What is my biggest fear? I don’t have any, I’m not fearless nor I’m brave, I can get anxious, I do fear, But the biggest is something I don’t have,
I learn not to have any expectations, Not because I fear the worst, Nor because I don’t want to be let down, I learn to experience, To enjoy the moment even in pain,
If there is a hungry tiger, Yes, I will be in fear, But living that moment, It is either I’ll be their dinner, Or I survived, harmed or unharmed,
The biggest fear isn’t happening, Until it happened and when it happened, It’s a reality and all I have to do is, To experience it and live for today, Not to mope about yesterday, or anxious about tomorrow.
I just published my fifth ebook! Let Me Share How It Feels is a collection of more than 170 poems written between 2020 to the end of 2021.
In a time where he only has his written words to share. All he can write about is brokenness. His broken heart, his broken soul, and his broken mind. If you wonder how does it feel? Or what kind of battle he has to go through every single day of his life, let this one show you instead.
You can download it for free here! Like my previous ebooks, it is free to download because I’ve written all the poems here in my blog. While for some it can be a hassle to scroll back to read my older poems, I just have to compile them all. I still have one more compilation to make. That is the NaPoWriMo version for all those past years.
Feel free to download it and feel free to share your experience with me. The pandemic was really difficult for some of us and I am included. During the lockdown phase, I lost friends and family members close to me. Some to their battle with cancer, some succumbed to covid, and some by suicide. It was too much to process. I don’t want to remember how painful it was for everyone around me. My mind was like dangerous water to sail with at that time.
I guess on the themes, I did write a few love poems which mostly are unrequited. Of course, talking about the struggle of depression was most of it. In a way, I find it funny that I keep on writing about this same dark and heavy feeling after all these years. What a life.
Anyway, again, feel free to download the book and share it in your circle. If you feel like tipping me you can do so through my page on Buy Me A Coffee. I’m also accepting commission too. Click here to my Buy Me A Coffee page.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been onto a really familiar yet different phase of my life. As I’ve shared previously in my previous posts, I joined a program called The Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind. You can read why I joined the program below.
If you are interested to read more about the program or you want to experience the program, read here.
In a way, the program helps me to keep on engaging with my creative side and how to sustain it. I’m grateful to experience the program. I’m still practicing and utilizing the lessons and tools that were taught during the program. It was really helpful. That is on my creative side.
Apart from the Mind Gardening with Arts program, I was also studying for a life coaching program with Transformation Academy. Feel free to read more about them here. As of today, I have completed two courses and I still have two more courses to complete the full Master’s course. However, I’m not in any hurry. I’ll talk more about it in a different post later.
For me, self-growth and development are not something new. Sharing my work and my thoughts were also a part of my self-reflection activity here. Also, I’m grateful that some of the companies I worked with previously exposed me to self-development programs a lot. While I might have forgotten some of them, occasionally the memories returned to be a reminder in my life.
Okay, back to the topic of my thought’s today. What is my life purpose? In Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind, I learned about my essence and what keeps me going when it comes to creativity and mindfulness. No problems with that. However, when I was going through my life coaching course, I found my lack of purpose in life.
In my situation, I don’t think I’ve ever thought it this way. A purpose that will keep you going no matter how hard it gets. The purpose has to be something specific and I have to believe in it. For example, whenever you are facing a tough moment in life, this purpose will the anchor to keep you grounded in the sea of turbulence.
For me, that sense of purpose was shattered when I had a really bad phase of depression. Life was not worth living for me. While I am feeling better now, I’ve been able to live and manage it well, I am still working on a lot of things I do feel I am constantly growing and learning new things but at one point like right now, I don’t feel I have a strong reason to go on. Of course, it goes back to self-love. If I love myself, I should be able to forward, right? My argument is that we all want the best for ourselves, and living might not be the best for me. Of course, this is all self-talk, self-belief, and what’s important is that what makes us happy. That is the priority.
Right now, I am trying and working to find my life purpose. I found out that I’m mostly living on auto-pilot for a really long time. For example, I go to school, so I could complete my studies. After I completed my study, I don’t have a purpose. Another example, I go to work because my purpose is to work and earn income. What happened when I’m no longer working, I don’t have a purpose. Also, I learned the hard way when they said don’t make a person be your life purpose. Once they are gone or leave your life, you lost your life purpose. I know I did.
I do have a couple of ideas about what my life purpose is but still need to work on it. Don’t worry, like I always do, I’ll figure it out eventually. So, what about you? Do you have a firm life purpose?
Today, I just finished the first part of Love Village (Ai No Sato) on Netflix. Love Village (Ai No Sato) is a Japanese reality dating show where participants moved to a house in the countryside to find love. The participants were aged between 35-60 years old. The format is similar to Terrace House and Ainori.
I wrote about Ainori previously. In case you missed it, you can read it here.
I’m writing this not to post a review about the show. It reminds me of how I was so into this kind of show previously, especially with Terrace House. However, I did not watch the last season of Terrace House because I feel disgusted with the reality that is happening behind the scenes after some of the participants exposed it. The last one I watched was Terrace House: Aloha State.
While I can’t say the same for Ainori, I did skip one season after their Asian Journey. I think I’m not too into it like I previously did with this kind of genre.
So, why did I choose to watch Love VIllage (Ai No Sato) then?
I watched the released trailers on Netflix, and at first, I thought it was quite the typical dating reality show. Until, I noticed about the age range of the participants. The age is between 35 – 60 and I think it is something different. Or probably because I’m in my 30s and it hits too close. Haha. So, I ended up completing the first part in a day.
So, what are the things I’ve forgotten?
It has been a long time since my last relationship. After that, I am mostly in what most people call situation-ship, crushes, and a phrase in Malay called ‘jaga jodoh orang’ which means taking care of other people’s future significant others. It’s silly, I know. However, I’m not pointing fingers at anyone because after a while with a lot of thoughts and reflections, I let myself to be in the situation. If anyone were to blame for that matter, it’s me.
Anyway, the first thing that the show reminded me of is my way of approaching someone I am interested in. I let my intention known. If I found someone interesting, I would tell them that and I want to know more about them. I rather be straightforward and upfront on my intention. Feel free to have different opinions on this take but I’m not budging. I’m not interested in doing any kind of mental gymnastics or guessing games when it comes to this matter.
Secondly, it reminds me that regardless of age, some people still have so many things to work on their personal self. Like their own identity, love language, past traumas, belief, goals, and visions. It reminds me of how far I’ve been in this journey of understanding myself. I’ve gone through different phases of life and I still learn new things. My triggers, regulating and accepting my emotions, accepting other people’s emotions, love language, attachment styles, life purpose, and so much more.
Sometimes, the more I learned about myself, the more I don’t feel I know myself well. Probably because there was a time in my life that it was not about me but more about them. I guess life is certainly a lifetime journey of learning and understanding ourselves.
Thirdly, it reminded me of how relationships are all about building a relationship and not a mix and match kind of relationship. To put it in a simple word, if two people are attracted towards each other, they have to do all the hard work together to make the relationship work. It will never work one-sided.
For example, when I think of relationships, I can no longer think about only the good things. I have to be prepared to accept the bad, the ugly, the worst, and the flaws of a relationship. In fact, talking about relationships in general like this for me feels pretentious to me. Simply because, I feel like I know a lot of things but I actually don’t. I’m not in any position to say things like this. Mainly because I will never experience what other people have experienced. We might have the same idea of experience but going through it, I doubt so. Yes, everyone went through break ups but we’re hurt and damaged differently. We felt the pain but the range of the pain scale is too big. We are unique individuals made from all the wounds and healing through our whole life.
If you are interested in dating reality shows, I would welcome you to watch Love Village (Ai No Sato) on Netflix. Check out the trailer below.
On the 9th of May, 2020, I lost a dear friend. I knew her from WordPress and she is a fellow Malaysian. I knew about her passing from Instagram. Some friends took over the account and posted about the news.
She was a talented writer in my opinion. Her words are profound and written so well in her poetry and prose. Personally, I saw her as a strong and independent person. I respect her so much.
Dear J, I pray that you are in a better place. The world may be challenging for you but may be in a lovely place and a thousand times better. I pray that you are reconnected with your beloved mother. I’m sorry that our last conversation a day before you went away was silly. I hope I was able to talk more things with you. May Allah grant you the best of places in Jannah. Rest well, friend.
Allow me to share your last words with my fellow readers.
In the end, I am just and will be a memory. In yours I hope.