Ally’s Thoughts: A Note 13422

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Dear friends and readers,

Sorry for the long absent. I don’t even know what am I experiencing right now. Am I having relapses, non-stop anxieties, living in survival mode, or trying too hard to escape reality.

To share how and what I feel, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling for or from what, I’m not sure. Not at the moment. I wonder if I am in fight or flight mode. Maybe my depression is creeping on me harder than before. Is it depression or something that I am used to? I don’t know. All I know is like I am living a double life, one trying too hard to survive and the other one, already giving up the fight.

Perhaps, I’ve been overthinking. To the extent when simple things feels huge and difficult. I really don’t know. I don’t feel sad but beyond it. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to express. I feel like an empty vessel, soulless. I remember when I always am associated with the word lifeless. It somehow stays and still relevant, to this day.

I have forgotten the feeling of happiness, excitement, and hope. Mostly reality hits differently and being merciless. Too much thinking, too tiring. The thought of living overshadowed by the crushing struggle. Shrouded by loneliness is like a wound that never heal. I’ve written things down in my book, lashing it out in this space.

About trying to live another day.

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If you do wonder about the reason,
Of me not writing, love related poem,
Or even about the painful break up,
Is simply because those are distant things,

I’ve forgotten about love or being love,
I’ve forgotten about how my heart breaks,

I only remember how to survive,
About trying to live another day.

And I want to heal.

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I wish I could say,
The things that I need to,
So I can stay away,
From the harms that dragging me down,

Explain to me,
Why some nights are killing me,
From all the struggles,
And all this pain,

I do want to laugh,
To feel the lightness,
Laughing my life away,
Without the stare from the darkness,

Let me feel the breeze,
And the warmth of love,
I still want to believe,
And I want to heal.

Luka berbarah menghasut minda.

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Ditarik nafas, dihembus lepas,
Mengharungi setiap saat, semakin lemas,
Bukan tenggelam dalam air,
Tapi kering haus udara,

Menyelam dalam perasaan hati,
Makin keruh lopak tak kenal diri,
Apalah rasa bila ada di tempat tinggi,
Kemudian jatuh berdarah kaki,

Mungkin, aku hanya ketawa,
Untuk lupakan rasa sakit sahaja,
Tapi yang lebih pedih dari itu,
Luka yang ada di dalam dada.

Dan bertambah lagi pedih,
Luka berbarah menghasut minda.

Struggling to be standing and living.

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If everything was taken away from me,
Please let this blessing to write remain in me,
As much as I want to speak it out,
I rather to write and whisper it in,

In every second spent,
To every hours fought,
Struggling and wrestling,
For the right words to be breathing,

And as this physical body,
Struggling to be standing and living.

Izinkan aku pergi bila tiba di persimpangan.

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Sudah lama tak bermadah,
Bukan sibuk urusan kerja,
Tapi dibelenggu suasana,
Pasang surut emosi gila,

Makin ke depan terasa makin susah,
Makin perlahan rasa berat kaki melangkah,
Berjuang bukan untuk siapa,
Untuk diri sendiri jua,

Walau kerap memujuk diri,
Cukuplah berjuang tunggulah mati,
Kudrat tak mampu menanggung beban,
Yang membatu di kepala dan hati,

Perjalanan ini mungkin masih panjang,
Izinkan aku pergi bila tiba di persimpangan.