If I were given a chance,
To ask one question,
With my life as an exchange,
As Death’s scythe in position,
Did I make her happy?
Did I make her happy?
Category: English
Have I seen it all?
Have I seen it all?
The joy, woe, and in between,
Am I through with it all?
The ups, downs, and the free fall,
Where did my strength came from?
To laugh, cry, and repeat,
To keep on walking,
While my world collapsing and sinking.
To the door
Where have you been,
Leaving without a note,
Only wind and whispers,
With seen separated by fissures,
Have I scared you,
With my past,
And the uncertainties,
Of my future,
I will not ask more,
Only you alone,
Have the answer and key,
To the door.
Ally’s Thoughts: The Struggle With Depression
Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.
Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.
To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.
For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.
It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.
For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.
It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.
The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.
Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.
Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.
Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.
For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.
Ally’s Thoughts: Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey & Why I Love It!
MyDramaList
Hi and happy weekend to all,
It has been awhile since I wrote something for Ally’s Thoughts segment. To tell the truth, I have so much to tell but I feel overwhelmed by my life lately. Work in one corner, personal life in the other. I embedded those hard moments in my poems.
Back to the main topic, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey! Let me share with you briefly on what the show is all about.
Ainori is a Japanese reality tv show debuted on October 1999. Seven members of young men and women travel together in a pink bus to find romance. In 2017, the show aired on Netflix with a new season, Ainori Love Wagon, Asian Journey!
Netflix
Seven men and women board a pink bus in search of true love. On a journey through Asia with strangers, their goal is to return to Japan as a couple.
At first, I was so reluctant to watch the series because I was skeptical at first. Looking at the introduction by Netflix, it was not convincing enough for me. Plus, I was binge-ing Terrace House which already won my attention. Only after I watched Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City and Terrace House: Aloha State, I brave myself to watch this show.
I was hooked! Instantly, I gave the show a thumb up!
5 Reasons why I love the show!
1. The Adventure
The journey took them to most if not all South East Asian countries such as Vietnam, Myamar, Cambodia, Thailand, Malaysia and ended in Singapore. They also went to Taiwan as well.
During their travel, they were introduced to different culture and social issues a country had. Not only the show gave impact to the members but it opened my eyes too. I learned that a lot of Japanese actually prefer to stay in Malaysia based on one of the episode aired.
2. The Drama
Of course, what is a reality show without the drama here and there! During their travel, they will have to live with a certain amount of budget, no mobile phone, and building friendship and perhaps love interest with other members.
Through their journey, the members were not just challenged physically but their mental as well. They have to face conflicts, rejections and face their greatest obstacle, the confession.
3. The Confession
If a member has decided to confess to the person he or she like, they need to meet the bus driver for two return tickets back to Japan. The member have to confess and give the ticket to the person they like and usually, the person will give the answer on the next day.
If the member reciprocate the feeling, the two members will kiss and leave the group to return back to Japan. If the member rejected, the member who confessed will have to return to Japan alone.
4. The Best Couple
So far, there is a couple that I really like from the show, Shy Boy and Kasuga! The path that they took to be together was really a hard one. During the travel, so much happened to them and I cannot help myself to cheer and root for them.
So far, they are still together. Good for them!
5. The Lessons
It is not just entertainment. The lessons that were brought up in the show was plenty. Imagine you are someone who never really take that first step and you are just the type who would wait, you will always stuck in the same situation over and over again.
There are some of the episodes that can be really inspiring too.
Currently, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey season 2 arrived in Netflix! New episode every Thursday. I really recommend you to watch it if you like romance and travel.
Wishing you all have a good weekend! Until next time.
Ally’s Thoughts: Everyone has problems, why yours any different?
Hi everyone,
I hope all of you are doing fine. Let me get straight to the point here.
We all have our problems, in fact, everybody else have problems. It is the truth and no one can deny that.
What makes us different is the tolerance we have when it comes to problem. For some people, they can be unfazed and probably getting excited and felt challenged when facing problems. Some on the other hand may feel its the end of the world.
I’m sure for those who is in stress or depression heard this many times.
“You are lucky, there are others out there are more unfortunate.”
“Your problem is not that big, I have bigger problems.”
“Mine are much more complicated, yours are easy.”
In a certain perspective, its not wrong to say these. However, in a different perspective these are the least thing we want to hear from someone.
Everyone have problems and some find solutions, some did not. Being compared at that moment is just the last thing some people wants to hear. It is not about who is the most pathetic or helpless. Are we being selfish for having problems and wanted someone to listen?
We just want someone to listen. We have something that we consider so big inside our chest and we want to pour it out. Sometimes, we felt stressed and depressed not from the problems that triggered our mind to act that way but the built up negativity after that. We want interaction, verbally and physically. We are being selfish and nothing is wrong with that. Our problems are just the catalysts but the accumulating feels of hopelessness what made our life much more suffocating.
I admit that having these ideas definitely putting myself a label, I am weak. I don’t doubt that. I am weak. That is why I am facing these unwanted moments. My mind is so vulnerable that I can’t look things brighter. This is not the first time I felt this way. That is for sure.
I’m sure we used to hear this phrase, “stop comparing yourself with others, do things on your own pace…”
Isn’t it should be the same when we said we have our own problems. Don’t compare our problems with other people. We have different tolerance and resistance. Acknowledge our problems and accept it. Sometimes, we know that we can handle our problems easily but there will always be that doubt in ourselves.
In the end, what do we need?
Haiku: The same deadline chase
It’s suffocating,
Tightening chest and need air,
The same deadline chase.
2017 REWIND! Write Ally Write!
Fellow readers and friends,
We are few days away to celebrate a new year, 2018! If I were to describe my 2017, it was rejections, eye-opening, hopeful, eventful, emotional, freedom, wise and lovely. The events happened this year are mostly work related and there are some personal stuff but manageable. Hopefully.
It is the year where I quit my 2 years job as a Associate/ Content Editor. Then, I had a very short career break for 4 months. Where I mostly used to write more and explore more of my creative side. Then, I was hired to work in an investment bank and enjoying my time learning in the HR department.
2017 also quite memorable because I went to travel alone to Kuching and really enjoyed myself there.
I managed to publish two e-books:
1. Ally And The Daily Prompt (March 2017)
2. The Thirty Days (June 2017)
My e-books are free and available in different formats. Do support me by leaving a rating in Goodreads and share it with your friends and family!
You can find my Goodreads page through here: Ally Mare Goodreads
All my book projects are currently on halt and my writing time has been tremendously cut down. I am mostly busy with work right now. I will try my best to spend my time in writing!
As I did last year, I present you my Top 10 poems in 2017! The top list are based on views!
TOP 10 POEMS 2017
- Happy Together (November)
- Will you follow me? (July)
- Each others company (November)
- Human emotions are like diamonds (October)
- Heavenly exposure (November)
- The joy of cooking (January)
- To someone who don’t appreciate them (June)
- And remain still in sadness (July)
- That is me in pain (September)
- “I am here with you” (November)
TOP 5 ALLY’S THOUGHTS
- And December came (December)
- Let’s Talk About Texting (November)
- The Talented Musician, Yuta Tanaka (September)
- Did They Approved? (June)
- Signs of A Loyal Person (October)
That’s all for the lists section.
Moving on, 2017 is also a year where I managed to meet wonderful people! I also managed to meet with other writers too!
Special shout out to these wonderful people! Thank you for your time and hopefully we will meet again!
SPECIAL SHOUTOUT
Singledust @ Living on the equator but longing for snow
And I hope I will be able to meet more writers, bloggers and talented people in 2018. Lets have a cup of coffee together! Do check their sites for wonderful posts.
WHAT TO EXPECT IN 2018
Other than hoping all the good things, I don’t really have anything else to ask. I will just be busy with work, movies, buying books that I have no time to read, meeting new faces, travelling, and hopefully a partner? Exciting isn’t it?
That’s all for now. I wish you all the best in 2018. To me, entering a new year is just the same. It’s not about having a resolution or having the perfect plan but its how I would spend my time in the best way I can. I do have plans and I’m working on it but ultimately, I want to enjoy every moment that I have with the people around me, the time for myself, and do the things that I want. It’s much more interesting that way, isn’t it?
That’s all for now. I wish you all a happy new year!
A Novella: My Unsent Love Letters by Ally L. Mare
Did you still remember that I wrote a novella and share it in Inkitt? I finally posted all the chapters in Inkitt and you can finally read it until the end!
I can’t post the novella here. Also, I will not upload it as an ebook. However, you can read the novella using the link below.
My Unsent Love Letters by Ally L Mare
I really need your help on this. If you find my novella is interesting and exciting, please share it with your friends. It would be a great deal if you do.
Blurb
A hard breakup made James’ life difficult and he had no motivation on his work or his life. Things changed when he accidentally met his college crush after few years since their graduation. James could not tell how he feels directly, so he wrote his crush, Anna, love letters which he could not send.
All comments are appreciated! Thank you very much and have a great weekend!
Haiku Horizon: Cake (Poor Durian cake)
Strong smell and flavor,
Loved and hated by many,
Poor Durian cake.
