We are here, in December and leaving 2019. The truth is, it was a really rough year for me. Too rough and I still try to stabilize the aftermath.
I want to share it here because I know that there are more out there having bad times, worst than mine.
After working for almost 2 years in a good place, I started to feel depressed. Early 2019, I got myself diagnosed and referred to a psychiatric clinic. Now, I’m under medication and having a new job.
For those who are struggling with mental illness, I hope you found the courage to break out from the void and get some help. Then, the real battle starts there because wanting to feel good and ‘normal’ is ridiculously hard.
It is hard to find someone you can trust, to share the things you are experiencing right now. Find the right channel and you are not alone.
Now, I am into 10 months under medication and I am still far away being healthy. However, slowly I feel my motivation is coming back. As I was going through all these, I realized so many things about my situation. It opened my eyes and I hope you will find it in your journey too.
Thank you very much for reading and visiting my site. I am sorry for neglecting my WordPress community with less posts and less visiting your sites. I am ashamed but I really feel good whenever I return here.
Wishing you all the best in the year 2020. May all of you receive great blessing and find success in the things you want to achieve. Happy New Year!
Note that this is a post that has been in my draft since January. I was in a struggle with no chance of winning, well I was wrong. I haven’t win the war yet but the victory in the countless battles strengthened me.
Therefore, I am sharing this as a reminder for myself and to share how dreadful the feeling was at that time.
I think, this will be my last post. I am retiring, not as a writer but as a living breathing thing.
I have been struggling too long, too long that I don’t know why I’m still here. Too long that I don’t have any more reasons to reason with my inner self, “Why am I still here?”. I am too tired to argue again about it.
Hell and eternal damnation? No.
It is too tough to keep going only to be hopeful and telling myself that everything going to be alright. Everything will eventually work out. No. It doesn’t work that way. The situation and surrounding is just too ridiculous. It is petty too.
My effort? I tried. Many times.
I learned to accept. Doesn’t work.
I learned to forgive. Doesn’t work.
I learned to love. Doesn’t work.
I learned to better person. Doesn’t work.
I learned to believe. Doesn’t work.
I learned to fear. Doesn’t work.
I learned to trust. Doesn’t work.
I learned to forget. Doesn’t work.
I learned too much that it drove me crazy.
Until the very end, my inner self still want to reason with me. I had enough. Too much conflict in my head and it is too tiring. Not to mention the conflicts outside my head.
I can’t function properly.
I can’t breath properly.
I can’t love properly.
I can’t live properly.
I can’t. I won’t.
I gave up. Too long… Too long…
For my last words, I am not apologizing. I want to say my gratitude for keeping me this long. I had wished for it since I was 10 and I never get it. I was not brave enough to take it myself. I envy the others who decide to do it. Thank you.
“I tried and I did not fail. I just stopped and took a long stop.”
Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.
Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.
To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.
For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.
It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.
For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.
It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.
The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.
Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.
Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.
Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.
For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.
This is one overdue post and I apologize for the delay. I am happy to share that Write Ally! Write! is now 3 years old. Plus, now it have around 2K followers! Thank you to my fellow friends, readers and followers all across the glove. I really appreciate it.
I am sorry again for not being able to deliver a lot of thoughts or poems. I also have not been replying to comments. It has been very difficult for me because of real life.
However, March is leaving and April is coming. I am sure our community can’t wait for April because of the National Poetry Month (NaPoWriMo) or the Global Poetry Month (GaPoWriMo).
I joined NaPoWriMo 2017 where I have compiled my 30 days poems in the e-book, The Thirty Days. You can download the e-book free using the link below.
I wish you all good health and all the best in any things that you want to achieve for the year of 2019.
I am writing this post because I want to share something that has been on my mind lately. I am unable to express it clearly in my poems nor in any way I could possibly think. This will be a quite long post, so if you are in a hurry, skip it and read it later. However, if you have all the time you need, I want to ask you a favor.
Please read it until the end and share me your thoughts if you have any, star it if you like it or share it with all your connections. If you don’t like it, let me know why.
I want to share about the journey of my working life, it is not something that I can compare with the others who have worked longer than me. I just want to share on what have I done and how I actually feel about it. Right now, I am doubting my relevancy in this working world.
IT GOES WAY BACK
Whenever someone asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I would give the cliche answers. When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be someone who worked in the video games industry because of how I love video games so much at that time. As I entered college, I realized that I don’t know who I want to be and I was just following the flow. I do know that I just want a steady job and have the typical working life.
After I graduated from college, I earned my diploma in English Language Studies, I remained at the same place, where I did my internship. I worked there for 2 years doing admin in a property development company. As a young fresh graduate, to be employed is a blessing as my other friends are struggling to land a job.
It was a small company and most of the staff has been working for more than 10 years. The generation gap was obvious because the new faces joined the company are mostly interns. I was one of the intern. The staff are the same age of my parents or older. The job was manageable and the pay was sufficient, they even pay bonuses.
I learned a lot because I did a lot of different things in the company. If I were to choose the one most memorable would be the 5S and productivity project I had to handle in the company manufacturing division. I have to implement the 5S under the supervision of Malaysia Productivity Corporation (MPC), which was exciting for me at that time.
Even so at that point, I couldn’t figure out or imagine how my career would be. I left the company after I received a better offer from a company that I never expected.
A DREAM CAME TRUE
I started to play video games extensively when I was 7 years old. Back then, there was only that game console that load games from the cartridge. Then, I had a Game Boy, Playstation 1, PSP and gotten myself a computer. I am pretty sure that I had a wish about getting into the game industry at that time.
My wish was granted and my second employment was in a game publisher company that was really well known in Malaysia. I joined the company and worked in their social media app department. For me, that was already enough because I was exposed to their company culture and a lot of young people around, I was so happy.
My work are mostly to create content for the app and I realized that it was the most comforting to do. Eventually, I realized that I really like writing poetry and I shared some of my poetry in the platform. Not long after that, I decided to share my poetry to the rest of the world. Therefore, I created Write Ally Write! After a few months, I was really engaged with the WordPress community and decided to explore the writing world.
I quit my job and was in search of a job that would let me utilize my creativity and writing skills. My decision led me to 4 months of unemployment but I had the best 4 months of writing experience. Within those 4 months, I have published 2 poetry ebooks and I feel really satisfied. My blog was growing and I get to know more people. It was exciting and I really feel that ‘this is my calling’.
THE REALITY AND THE FEASIBILITY
A 4 months unemployed restricted my spending and I have commitments to pay. I can’t remember how many job applications I have submitted and how many interviews I have attended. I want to pursue a writing career but it doesn’t look that bright. Almost the end of April, I received a phone call to an interview. I came for the interview and I got the job on the next day.
I came to the office and officially, I have jumped to a different sector, investment banking. I was in charge to draft the internal communication on behalf of the HR department and assisting my boss in special projects for the department. For the communication draft is fairly easy and a little write up is a walk in the breeze. The special projects however is something I never really do. There are two parts, the research part was really straight forward. I don’t have any complaints. The second part is the project management part, where I have to learn about project management.
I have no problem until the projects started to pile up. I am having a hard time to keep up and not to mention the persistent management committee update every two weeks. I endured for almost 2 years and I realized that I am unable to keep my head straight. I don’t think I am able to stay sane from all the anxiety and depression.
THE WHEEL TURNS, AGAIN
I am still with the investment bank until the end of January. I have to extend because I have some pending projects and they still have not found any replacement. What will I do next? I want to rest first for few months. I am mentally exhausted at the point it scares me.
I noticed that, I don’t have any confidence on myself or my skills for work. I am not sure what I want to do anymore. I am too mediocre and too ordinary.
It has been awhile since I wrote something for Ally’s Thoughts segment. To tell the truth, I have so much to tell but I feel overwhelmed by my life lately. Work in one corner, personal life in the other. I embedded those hard moments in my poems.
Back to the main topic, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey! Let me share with you briefly on what the show is all about.
Ainori is a Japanese reality tv show debuted on October 1999. Seven members of young men and women travel together in a pink bus to find romance. In 2017, the show aired on Netflix with a new season, Ainori Love Wagon, Asian Journey!
Seven men and women board a pink bus in search of true love. On a journey through Asia with strangers, their goal is to return to Japan as a couple.
At first, I was so reluctant to watch the series because I was skeptical at first. Looking at the introduction by Netflix, it was not convincing enough for me. Plus, I was binge-ing Terrace House which already won my attention. Only after I watched Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City and Terrace House: Aloha State, I brave myself to watch this show.
I was hooked! Instantly, I gave the show a thumb up!
5 Reasons why I love the show!
1. The Adventure
The journey took them to most if not all South East Asian countries such as Vietnam, Myamar, Cambodia, Thailand, Malaysia and ended in Singapore. They also went to Taiwan as well.
During their travel, they were introduced to different culture and social issues a country had. Not only the show gave impact to the members but it opened my eyes too. I learned that a lot of Japanese actually prefer to stay in Malaysia based on one of the episode aired.
2. The Drama
Of course, what is a reality show without the drama here and there! During their travel, they will have to live with a certain amount of budget, no mobile phone, and building friendship and perhaps love interest with other members.
Through their journey, the members were not just challenged physically but their mental as well. They have to face conflicts, rejections and face their greatest obstacle, the confession.
3. The Confession
If a member has decided to confess to the person he or she like, they need to meet the bus driver for two return tickets back to Japan. The member have to confess and give the ticket to the person they like and usually, the person will give the answer on the next day.
If the member reciprocate the feeling, the two members will kiss and leave the group to return back to Japan. If the member rejected, the member who confessed will have to return to Japan alone.
4. The Best Couple
So far, there is a couple that I really like from the show, Shy Boy and Kasuga! The path that they took to be together was really a hard one. During the travel, so much happened to them and I cannot help myself to cheer and root for them.
So far, they are still together. Good for them!
5. The Lessons
It is not just entertainment. The lessons that were brought up in the show was plenty. Imagine you are someone who never really take that first step and you are just the type who would wait, you will always stuck in the same situation over and over again.
There are some of the episodes that can be really inspiring too.
Currently, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey season 2 arrived in Netflix! New episode every Thursday. I really recommend you to watch it if you like romance and travel.
Wishing you all have a good weekend! Until next time.
I recently remembered about an activity I usually did when I was younger. I basically remembered thanks to the ongoing hip hop beef between Eminem and MGK. I realized that I did something similar.
I am talking about replying a poem with a poem. This happened when I was 16 I think, I get to know a friend from an online mobile game. That time, we only have like Java games and GPRS connection. It was fun back then.
Keeping it short, I will always exchange poems with her and it was very fun to do. Therefore, I want to do it again. I would like to invite all of you who read this post, to write me a poem and I will do my best to reply on the poem.
So, would you like to give it a try? Send me a poem and I will reply it through your email and I will post it on my blog as well. I’m not sure how this will go but we won’t know until we try!
I hope all of you are doing fine. Let me get straight to the point here.
We all have our problems, in fact, everybody else have problems. It is the truth and no one can deny that.
What makes us different is the tolerance we have when it comes to problem. For some people, they can be unfazed and probably getting excited and felt challenged when facing problems. Some on the other hand may feel its the end of the world.
I’m sure for those who is in stress or depression heard this many times.
“You are lucky, there are others out there are more unfortunate.”
“Your problem is not that big, I have bigger problems.”
“Mine are much more complicated, yours are easy.”
In a certain perspective, its not wrong to say these. However, in a different perspective these are the least thing we want to hear from someone.
Everyone have problems and some find solutions, some did not. Being compared at that moment is just the last thing some people wants to hear. It is not about who is the most pathetic or helpless. Are we being selfish for having problems and wanted someone to listen?
We just want someone to listen. We have something that we consider so big inside our chest and we want to pour it out. Sometimes, we felt stressed and depressed not from the problems that triggered our mind to act that way but the built up negativity after that. We want interaction, verbally and physically. We are being selfish and nothing is wrong with that. Our problems are just the catalysts but the accumulating feels of hopelessness what made our life much more suffocating.
I admit that having these ideas definitely putting myself a label, I am weak. I don’t doubt that. I am weak. That is why I am facing these unwanted moments. My mind is so vulnerable that I can’t look things brighter. This is not the first time I felt this way. That is for sure.
I’m sure we used to hear this phrase, “stop comparing yourself with others, do things on your own pace…”
Isn’t it should be the same when we said we have our own problems. Don’t compare our problems with other people. We have different tolerance and resistance. Acknowledge our problems and accept it. Sometimes, we know that we can handle our problems easily but there will always be that doubt in ourselves.
Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.
In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.
Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.
In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.
There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.
For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.
From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to pick myself up.
Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.
Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.
I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.
In the end, I don’t know…
As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.
A question that probably best suited in my current situation. I am spending my time working… except, I am not actually living. More like, I am wasting my time and pretty much dull and boring. I am hopeless, dreamless and unmotivated. Basically, I am walking with my head down and there are walls between me and real life.
Waking up at 6 am and sleep at 10 pm. I’m at work from 8:45 pm until 5.30 pm. I arrived at home around 8 pm or later if I have unfinished tasks. I live my life like a robot with the same schedule again and again. No fun or excitement. Nothing really happening to keep me going on forward like a rocket need its fuel.
Weekend feels too short. First blink it is Saturday and the second blink, its already Sunday. As I blink for the third time, I am back at work. Weekdays dragging myself anchoring me and set my eyes on the next weekend. Where I mostly at home doing nothing except binge-ing on Netflix content. Season by season.
Where it went wrong?
My senses are dull, my words are dry, my inspiration in drought, and my motivation shattered. My mind filled with anxiety and helpless puny tasks of work. My values in inspiration and creativity has turned black and white. Where I usually talk about ideas, dreams and hope in every interaction I could previously with my peers, is something that I never had the chance in my current workplace.
I have no one to blame except myself, I cannot fit in because I feel too different. I have no one that have the same wavelength as I do. Not even the same background or interest. Nothing would inspire me or spark my interest. Was my threshold on excitement too high? Or was it something else? I don’t feel I am being myself. I don’t feel I am Ally who loves to read and write. It used to bring me fun and joy in writing, my mind was fresh and active. I am slowly becoming emotionless and slowly turning into a robot.
I want it back. The joy and freedom of writing. The most time I feel so alive. I want to feel alive. Not this lazy unmotivated soul.
What about today?
I forced myself today. To write and look upon this wonderful community that I miss so much. Fellow friends and writers that staying strong. They keep on going. I realized that I have become those who suddenly out of radar and fades away, eroded by time.
I forced myself to listen my favorite piano playlist in Spotify – Piano in the background. No singing except melodious sound from a piano with various theme. This is the playlist that made me feel in the moment, a playlist that resonate to this heart of mine. Unknowingly, my eyes teary and I can’t help myself to sniffle.
I realized that writing and the blogging community is in a distant past. I don’t really know why I feel that way. By just thinking about it made me miss it so much. Even to write all this feels like I am reminiscing something that I have lost.
Where I am now?
I am drifting in space where I can’t reach anywhere without supply. I need my inspiration and motivation. I need the fun and excitement. I need the interaction of dream and hopes. I need to be Ally. A person who inspires and full of motivation. A person who is so passionate about writing that will poke a bit of sense to the one who reads. A person who writes silly and comedic poems.
I don’t want to float too long or I feel like I will lose myself more. I will lose Ally more.