I couldn’t write another word,
Even with thousands to tell in my head,
Torn between two borders that lies inside,
“Now, speak! Hush, silence!”
Find me at:
How much longer I should endure,
The struggle I have to face,
Every breath in and blink,
I force to have just to feel,
The piercing pain that,
No words can describe,
Except the creeping misery,
Stalks me from early history,
Let me close my eyes,
And slip away from this mind of mine.
I never knew its this hard to breath,
To walk somewhere,
To talk to someone,
To wake up from bed,
To stay sane,
When all I see is in vain.
I was chasing a mirage,
Real yet untrue,
It was so clear even by the long distance,
As I am closer it turned less obvious,
A mirage or a phantom,
I was chasing a phantom,
Real yet untrue,
Walked in front of me,
It was so real that I cannot stop to notice,
A phantom or a ghost,
I was chasing a ghost,
Unreal and a lie,
I was not obvious any d none noticed,
As I passed and she ignored,
A ghost by her side.
There are two worlds in my life,
Both follows me right and left,
In my wake and my sleep,
Like a creature stalking me from the deep,
One telling me to stay,
Chains me down to reality,
Paralyzed and shackled,
By circumstances and choices,
The other one sounds better,
Giving me freedom and no problems,
Away from mistakes and circumstances,
But the gift of eternal damnation,
I hope I can choose soon.
How was your weekend?
Or how was your day?
A simple one line question that I have trouble to answer,
Without telling a lie,
“Good. How about yours?”
I am guilty as charged every time I answered,
Why I can’t tell the truth?
If you are okay, I should say I am okay,
If I am not okay, I should just say I am not okay,
Good argument but never ever in my life I said I am not okay,
Other will just let it slide,
They will inquire more and I don’t want to talk about it,
Some will be flustered by my response,
I never really okay,
I don’t even remember when was the last time I feel okay,
When was the last time I feel energetic to wake up,
All I ever got was you look tired and sleepy,
Did you slept late?
“I am just tired.”
And accompanied by a whisper in my brain added,
A struggle that no one understand,
Other would just see it as lazy,
Other who don’t understand will be clueless,
Saw me as problematic,
Saw me as extreme,
Saw me as not normal,
And hard to work with,
Triggering conflicts again and again,
I need a rest, a long rest,
Away from the upset mind and clouded clarity,
Away from all that I once considered matter,
Away from here,
A resting place that is not here.
Find me at:
I wish you all good health and all the best in any things that you want to achieve for the year of 2019.
I am writing this post because I want to share something that has been on my mind lately. I am unable to express it clearly in my poems nor in any way I could possibly think. This will be a quite long post, so if you are in a hurry, skip it and read it later. However, if you have all the time you need, I want to ask you a favor.
Please read it until the end and share me your thoughts if you have any, star it if you like it or share it with all your connections. If you don’t like it, let me know why.
I want to share about the journey of my working life, it is not something that I can compare with the others who have worked longer than me. I just want to share on what have I done and how I actually feel about it. Right now, I am doubting my relevancy in this working world.
IT GOES WAY BACK
Whenever someone asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I would give the cliche answers. When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be someone who worked in the video games industry because of how I love video games so much at that time. As I entered college, I realized that I don’t know who I want to be and I was just following the flow. I do know that I just want a steady job and have the typical working life.
After I graduated from college, I earned my diploma in English Language Studies, I remained at the same place, where I did my internship. I worked there for 2 years doing admin in a property development company. As a young fresh graduate, to be employed is a blessing as my other friends are struggling to land a job.
It was a small company and most of the staff has been working for more than 10 years. The generation gap was obvious because the new faces joined the company are mostly interns. I was one of the intern. The staff are the same age of my parents or older. The job was manageable and the pay was sufficient, they even pay bonuses.
I learned a lot because I did a lot of different things in the company. If I were to choose the one most memorable would be the 5S and productivity project I had to handle in the company manufacturing division. I have to implement the 5S under the supervision of Malaysia Productivity Corporation (MPC), which was exciting for me at that time.
Even so at that point, I couldn’t figure out or imagine how my career would be. I left the company after I received a better offer from a company that I never expected.
A DREAM CAME TRUE
I started to play video games extensively when I was 7 years old. Back then, there was only that game console that load games from the cartridge. Then, I had a Game Boy, Playstation 1, PSP and gotten myself a computer. I am pretty sure that I had a wish about getting into the game industry at that time.
My wish was granted and my second employment was in a game publisher company that was really well known in Malaysia. I joined the company and worked in their social media app department. For me, that was already enough because I was exposed to their company culture and a lot of young people around, I was so happy.
My work are mostly to create content for the app and I realized that it was the most comforting to do. Eventually, I realized that I really like writing poetry and I shared some of my poetry in the platform. Not long after that, I decided to share my poetry to the rest of the world. Therefore, I created Write Ally Write! After a few months, I was really engaged with the WordPress community and decided to explore the writing world.
I quit my job and was in search of a job that would let me utilize my creativity and writing skills. My decision led me to 4 months of unemployment but I had the best 4 months of writing experience. Within those 4 months, I have published 2 poetry ebooks and I feel really satisfied. My blog was growing and I get to know more people. It was exciting and I really feel that ‘this is my calling’.
THE REALITY AND THE FEASIBILITY
A 4 months unemployed restricted my spending and I have commitments to pay. I can’t remember how many job applications I have submitted and how many interviews I have attended. I want to pursue a writing career but it doesn’t look that bright. Almost the end of April, I received a phone call to an interview. I came for the interview and I got the job on the next day.
I came to the office and officially, I have jumped to a different sector, investment banking. I was in charge to draft the internal communication on behalf of the HR department and assisting my boss in special projects for the department. For the communication draft is fairly easy and a little write up is a walk in the breeze. The special projects however is something I never really do. There are two parts, the research part was really straight forward. I don’t have any complaints. The second part is the project management part, where I have to learn about project management.
I have no problem until the projects started to pile up. I am having a hard time to keep up and not to mention the persistent management committee update every two weeks. I endured for almost 2 years and I realized that I am unable to keep my head straight. I don’t think I am able to stay sane from all the anxiety and depression.
THE WHEEL TURNS, AGAIN
I am still with the investment bank until the end of January. I have to extend because I have some pending projects and they still have not found any replacement. What will I do next? I want to rest first for few months. I am mentally exhausted at the point it scares me.
I noticed that, I don’t have any confidence on myself or my skills for work. I am not sure what I want to do anymore. I am too mediocre and too ordinary.