This is ridiculous

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This is ridiculous,
What are the chances,
For coincidences,

Wherever I look,
From the highest mountain,
To the deepest sea,

I keep finding you,
As the time against us,
The distance fear us,

The signs keep telling me,
You, you, and you,
It spelled Destiny,

I wish it to be true,
I will endure the pain,
To get through.

Let me take it to my grave

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I wish I could forget,
The sweet and bitter,
Of our past,
If this is really the end,

Years has passed,
With couple of leap years,
Even the season changed,
Together with the souls in it,

I moved forward,
Learning and building,
About the world,
On myself,

As I forget,
It seeps slowly,
Through the crevices,
Of my unconscious mind,

The world and everything in it,
Whispering about you,
Reminding me about your existence,
Every night and day,

As hard I tried to ignore,
The greater the signs intensity,
As I struggled harder,
The clarity purer,

How can I forget you now?
Let me take it to my grave.

Write Ally! Write! 2018 Rewind

hny2019

Hey all,

I was trying to clear some drafts and this post has been stuck for few years now. I was not feeling good back then. I was not ready to share anything. I was not ready to face anything in life.

I don’t feel like deleting it because I don’t want to forget. Well, I am sharing it here. 


Greetings everyone,

Annually, I would write about the highlights of my blog for the year.

Usually, I would post it before the new year of a week after but this time it is unavoidable. It is already two weeks in January and I am struggling to write my posts.

I would summarize things that happened to me, to serve as lesson for myself. I will share with you the most viewed posts in 2018. Plus, my plan and expectations in 2019.

What Happened 2018?

I would call my early 2018 was hectic, personal point of view. I was wondering what am I and the definition of myself. Things were looking pretty tensed and the workload was quite crazy too.

Towards the end of February, I lost my grandmother, she was sick for few months that time. We already had plan to fly to Indonesia before that, we already bought the ticket for her. It was really heartbreaking for me every time I have to remember back. In March, me and my family fly to Indonesia, specifically to Bawean Island. It was more than 20 years since my last visit.

Nothing much except the crazy amount of work. I started to feel anxious about my workload in mid 2018. I believe I wrote less posts too.

In December, I tendered my resign and served a month notice. However, to ease the transition, I will be working as a temp for a month until 31st January 2019. The reason for my resignation was ‘I can no longer handle my depression’.

I was diagnosed and I have severe depression. For the first time in my life, I finally have the courage to see a doctor. The symptoms was not new, I have been cooping up with my depression since I was 10.


– I stopped writing here – 

A slow crushing torment

Image from: Broken Believers

Each steps away brought me closer to you,
I tried to run but there is no road ahead,
Led to the same place like a circle,
But you are on the other side of the wall,

When did everything turned narrow,
The space confined me,
Chained and shackled by the unseen,
And weighted me down each drag,

Stuck still in this frozen moment,
A slow crushing torment.

Ally’s Thoughts: The Void to Fill

Image from: The Cinematic Katzenjammer

I recently re-watched the movie Her (2013). I did wrote about it in 2017. You can read it here: Ally’s Thoughts: Her (2013).

While watching it, I can’t help to think about myself. Three years ago, it feels different. I was much more optimistic and ‘energetic’. However, it hits differently now.

To have hope and passion can really drive someone forward. They move on to create something for themselves even if it is to the unknown.

Yet, it feels different now. The void that I thought I moved on from has returned. I know it will never disappeared but at least the void in me should be filled even a little.

Somehow, it is not. The void is like a wound starts to bleed again. It hurts but empty at the same time. It feels impossible to mend it or heal it.

I keep asking myself. What went wrong?

This is so ridiculous. Is it because how 2020 has been treating people? How it has been affecting me?

Is it because I lie to myself too much? Is it regret? Is it disappointment? I can’t tell. I am more confused now more than ever. It has been years. Why it still hurts so much?

The depth of this void me is endless. I don’t think it can be filled at all. This is honestly, too much.