This Is All About Desire And Selfishness – Story 2

Book of Desire

Haven’t I done enough? I asked myself. I’ve worked with this this bloody company for more than twenty years now. They haven’t consider to promote me? A better position? I am much more experienced and understand the company better! This company is my whole life? Can’t they see?

I must get my answer today! I don’t care anymore. I must confront them and made them understand how important I am. I have been a senior assistant for a while now. Ten years if I remember correctly. It was freaking ten years! I should be a manager by now. I should manage this branch! Not some snotty kid that has no real experience. Recently graduated from a top school? Top university? Are you joking? A snobbish kid instead of me whose bone and blood molded with the company?

I did all my best for the company. I came here since I was young. I have no chance on landing job at other places. They took me. The late boss liked me and trusted me. He take good care of me and treat me like his son. But ever since the boss passed away, his daughter just ruined everything! Young people. Young people but no skills!

Barging to the company without consulting me. Without taking my advice. Without trusting me. I was her father’s trusted person. She should treat me better! She should give me the respect that I deserved! Instead… Instead, she forced us more in production. Torturing us mentally with her mind games.

I must do something! It has to be now. I can no longer stand it. This need to stop. I will show her how to run the things here. This is my chance. This is the thing that I should have done long time ago. I need to fix this place. Fix it and take it as mine! By force. By this simple tool in my hand. A gun.

Ally’s Thoughts: Will My Life Be Better?

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Image from: Pinterest

Hi everyone,

I just want to share my thoughts about a point of life which is death. I can’t help to express this as I saw a friend post about life. Perhaps, life has been pretty hard for her and punishing her too much. Perhaps life has been unfair to her and never given her the chance to breath. Perhaps life is too cruel that she is living in depression. Perhaps life will never give her the bright days ahead that she hoped for.

I want to help her and I know this is not the correct way. I should reach her out and listen. Help her in any possible ways. Perhaps I had the chance but I didn’t listen. Perhaps I’ve saw the signs but I ignored. Perhaps… I am not a good friend after all.

Whenever I heard friends around me talking about suicide. There is this deep inside telling me that, I need to reach out. I need to reach my hand. Help them and be somebody that they can rely on. Why I bothered so much? Because I was suicidal myself. I am a self-inflict too. Was.

I still remember my last attempt was when I was driving to work few years ago. The emotion was empty and tired. The images of me caught in an accident flashed again and again. Convincing myself, I will do it… I will do it.. I will do it… As my feet getting ready to hit the gas and my hand can’t stop shaking holding the steering. I don’t care about anyone. I don’t care about my family. I don’t care about this world. I don’t care about the afterlife. Because I know at that time. I decided this. I wanted this. I gave up and I don’t want to fight anymore. Why should I? It is easier to let myself free.

You know what stopped me? A radio talk.

I rarely listen to pop music radio. I prefer to listen to talk show and I was listening to an Islamic radio station. The guest was asking this…

Why we are shortening our life when it is already short?

I slowed down my drive and my ears totally into the talk show. He said, as a Muslim, we believe in the hereafter. An eternal destination. A place where we will spend ourselves forever and ever. Either the Jannah (Paradise) or Jahannam (Hell).

Our life span are 60 years old on average. In the hereafter, one day there is equal to around 60 years of our current world, he added. Now, imagine this… If we took ourselves to suicide, as our faith taught, we will be damned for eternity in Jahannam. For eternity just because we gave up. If you think 60 years is a long year, that is just one day in the hereafter.

Allah has given us the chance to use 60 years to make ourselves better. He gave us trials but not the ones that we can’t handle in this world. A trial for 60 years and you want to let it go. Where is your faith and believe? Didn’t Allah mentioned that Allah will tests us within our limit. Have you forgotten the first reason why you were created? Didn’t Allah created human and djinn to worship him? If you remember, did you worship him truly and still gave up? Means you did not believe in Him.

I was drowned in my thoughts that moment. What should you call this? Perfect timing? Coincidence? Luck? Fate? Call it whatever you want but I would call it a reminder. There are two ways to look here, if you are a Muslim, this is certainly a reminder from Allah. He is there watching you and giving you the signs that all you need to do is return to Him and asks for His help. If you are a non Muslim, take it as an advice. An advice from a talk show that tells you, life is already short and are you ready to spend it too soon?

If you said yes, are you sure? Are you sure that no one will be sad if you are no longer here? Are you sure that there are none that love and care for you? Are you sure that there is nothing you can do anymore? Are you sure that life is to be blamed? Are you sure that you couldn’t be stronger than you are now?

Have you ever thought why some people can still smile at hardship? Why some people with disabilities can still keep on achieving things in their life? Why some people looks so strong when they had to face uncertainties and challenges? Why some people made problems and troubles so easy to settle? You don’t have to be like them but you have to learn from them. Life was not easy for them too but they found the strength they need.

Yes! Find the strength that you need because I found mine. After that day, I decided that I need to lead myself better. Perhaps I can’t be a millionaire or a billionaire to blow all my problems away. But I can be a stronger and brighter person. I want to fight and I want to learn how to fight. I can’t be strong or fight without the proper preparation. Same goes in your life. If you feel beaten up and gave up, you are not yet properly prepared and ready.

It was not easy to be where I am now. When people told me that I am full of positivity and brightness, I would tell them, no I am not. I am just prepared. I may look like an optimistic guy not because I was born that way but I learned how to be one.

Have my life changed ever since? Yes it does. I learned to appreciate life. I have people around me died earlier than me. Some of them died in front of me. Leaving their last breath. Some in regret, some in satisfaction. Some was healthy and some was sick. They didn’t get their second chance. As for me, I am still breathing.

There are times in my life right now that it would be better if I just give up and end it. Yes, at times the idea still lingering around my head. As much as I hope that I did not wake up next morning, I still did. But what made it different is that… I woke up and do something about it. Then, I wait if tomorrow would be the day. Rather than, I woke up and do nothing and waiting my end tomorrow.

When you did something while you wait, you might achieved something and became  someone you wanted to be or never expected to be. Life is not about the dream alone but actions. Life can be hard and punishing, but the chance to beat it, is within you. If you are still breathing tomorrow, you still have a chance to be better. Don’t say life has not given you the chance. Your breath is your chance.

To be honest, whenever I  wrote something like this… I am afraid… It scares me that readers will misinterpret and take it the wrong way. It scares me if my words could not reach your heart. It scares me that I could not do anything about it.

Dear friend, you are a diamond. To some you may look like glasses because they do not know how to appreciate you. As for those who sees the worth in you, you are too precious to let go. May this words reached your heart as a prove that someone still care. Someone that cheers for you. Someone that believes in you.

Ally L. Mare

*A song to cheer yourself up

25-year bond between man and fish in Chiba touches the world【Video】 — SoraNews24

Hiroyuki Arakawa’s sea-dwelling friend of 25 years is like something out of a fairy tale. Although Hiroyuki Arakawa of Tateyama, Chiba has been diving for 61 years, it was about three decades ago that a fateful decision to build a Shinto shrine’s gate 17 meters beneath the ocean’s surface brought a truly unique friend into…

via 25-year bond between man and fish in Chiba touches the world【Video】 — SoraNews24

Touching and heartwarming story! The bond between human and fish. Isn’t it lovely?

Ally’s Thoughts: Did They APPROVED?

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Source: Vulcan Post

After I read this article from Vulcan Post, I instantly wanted to share it!

Via Do M’sian Parents Disapprove of “Low-Paying Online Writing Jobs”? We Ask 13 Writers. – Vulcan Post

Every now and again my dad gleefully comes up to me with an article open on his phone to point out the occasional missed typo or to gently mock something that I’ve written.

As a man who once gave up an engineering career to pursue a passion job in computer programming (a risky job back in his days), he’s very understanding of my situation and current job.

My mother, however, disapproves.

She has dreams of me working in a Fortune 500 company.

I was meant to climb the corporate ladder, eventually earn a lot of money and be taken care of in the future financially.

She doesn’t think that’s the case here as a writer.

In Malaysia, online publication is somewhat new. Not in terms of presence but in term of exposure.

Thanks to the rapid growth of internet, it gets easier to read and share news now. I find them amazing, these writers. They believed in their passion and pursue them. Even to find the slightest chance towards their passion, they didn’t waste it.

Some of their parents were supportive enough and some are not. However, they have proven themselves that they CAN! They able to do the things that they wanted to do.

I believe in the growth of this industry. I’m an avid readers of these sites and their content have captured this heart of mine. They were entertaining, fun, silly and sometimes so pedas (spicy hot) with their words and trolls.

In my opinion, they are the one that express Malaysian more and captured the attention of younger audiences. I do read news and such but they added their own flavor in their content. I believe that some of older audience would enjoy their content as well.

I am totally supporting these writers and more to come! Be proud and I am sure that your writing will shape the future.

As for my case, my parents did not stopped me from being a writer. They did encourage me to do the things that I like. The same thing that I will tell my children later.

Life is already short for us not to live in adventure and chase the future that we wanted. You are the one who define, who you want to be. It’s totally your choice!

Ally’s Thoughts: When you are your worst enemy! Pt.2

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Image from: Reaction gif

Continuing from part one.

Here is the second part on dealing your worst enemy which is yourself!

What are the fastest ways to get yourself out from the negativity and be positive in life? Personally for me, I don’t think this is something that we can change overnight. This is about our determination and commitment and our willpower to change ourselves.

1. Understand yourself

The most basic step would be understanding yourself. You must know yourself first. I learned that by knowing myself better, I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am more aware of myself and it is easier to get through things in life.

Take this for an example, if  you don’t know what you want to be or what you want to achieve, you will be spending your time in vain. You will most likely waste your time. Or lets say you don’t know what are the things that will make you happy, whenever you feel down or sad, you will just sulk yourself in it and bringing you deeper to negativity. If you know the things that will make you happy, you will do it to make yourself better. Lets say you know the things that will make you sad or unhappy, you will know how to avoid it.

Isn’t it beneficial to know more about yourself?

2. Convince yourself

One of the most important thing is to let yourself know that you wanted to change. You want to be better. You need to convince your mind and your heart that, becoming better is the thing that you want. Be honest to yourself, take all the things into consideration. And ultimately ask yourself, why you want to be better?

3. Learn & Learn

This is the time when you need to learn more on how to be positive. Take every experience you had before. Be it from bad events, good events or perhaps something that you learned from someone. Learning doesn’t have to be drastic but take it slowly. If you the type that likes to overthink, get a paper and write your worries down. Read it again and think of a way on how to overcome each one of your worries. If you can’t think of anything, talk to someone you trust.

Overthinking can get worse when you started to panic, anxious and later… stress and depression.

4. Take action

Personally for me, this is the best part. Take action! After you know  yourself, you have convinced yourself and you learned a lot. Time to take things into action!

I said this to one of my friends earlier, we will never know how sky divers feels when they are in the air. For us who never tried it, we might be worried, scared and think of the worst thing if we are in their place. However, for them, they enjoyed it and the adrenaline that keeps them doing it again and again.

Maybe if you are someone who fears height, get yourself into a community. WordPress can be a starting place! I’ve known Singledust from WordPress and we met and went to poetry reading. It opened up ideas, wonderful conversations and getting to know her better. Other than that, I really enjoyed being a part of an event that get me closer to people.

5. Be close to the less unfortunate

You might not believe me but whenever I’m close to someone who are less unfortunate. I realized that, I am luckier than them. Some of the doesn’t have a home, some of them lost their parents, some of them living alone and some of them doesn’t have the chance to eat properly.

What’s the point of me being someone who has everything, someone who function normally, who has been blessed in life, to indulge myself with negativity when someone who are less unfortunate than me live through positivity? I feel ashamed of myself and the radiant of hope surrounds them.

6. Love yourself

By this point, you will know to love yourself better. Instead of getting yourself beaten by unnecessary thoughts, you will take a good care of yourself better. When you are in this stage, you will feel less burdened and stressed when you have problems and errors. Whenever you have to faced some problematic individuals, you will be calmer and plan yourself better in how to handle that sort of individuals.

No one can change you except YOURSELF!

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Image from: Shutterstock

These points are just small ways to approach negatives thinking. No one can force you to change because we don’t like to be forced. It is all about yourself and it is totally up to you. For me, I do not want to be in a state where I will waste my time and energy in negativity instead of doing something productive and will make me happier.

 

 

 

Ally’s Thoughts: When you are your worst enemy! Pt.1

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Image from: Favim.com

Hi fellow friends! How is your weekend? I would like to take this opportunity to wish all the Muslims around the world, Happy Eid Mubarak! Selamat hari raya Aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin! (wishes in Malaysia/Brunei/Indonesia/Singapore)

Reflection in a teacup asked me in Twitter if I have any blog post related on how to overcome negativity or worrisome thoughts. I don’t think I have anything posted specifically about that matter. So, I will share you my thoughts about it.

I want to share my thoughts about negative thinking. There was a time in my life, when I have Cherophobia. It is a phobia that will make you scared of happiness because you will know something bad will happen. I had that phobia when I was thirteen until I was nineteen.

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How does it feel? The moment feels like you just enjoyed yourself among your friends, having the best time of your life but soon after that… something bad happened! It happened again and again. It was not an empty assumption or the fear of uncertainty. It was certain for me whenever I did something nice on myself, something bad follows. Either I would hit my toes, stepped on something, getting scold for no reasons, someone picked up a fight with me, depression and frustration. It happened frequently and obviously it will lead my brain to think that… “No! I can’t be happy! Being happy will made my life miserable more.”

What I didn’t know that, I am just justifying the things happening to me with something that I could not control. I can control myself in being happy but I can’t control something that is not from me. For example, someone else personality. How can I control the overflowing source of frustration that came from my surrounding? I can’t! There is nothing I can do about it… That is what I thought.

So what this had to do with negative thinking? In my opinion, everyone has a different type of negativity that hinders them. It developed within someone through their life based on what they have experienced. Some of them maybe had a trauma, low self esteem, too timid, bad recurring experiences and perhaps more contributing factors. Me for example has been experiencing recurring bad events that made me scared of being happy.

I do have friends that they think that there can be no better things in life for them. Some of them believes that certain things are too intimidating. Some of them can’t handle too much attention. Some of them can’t handle pressure and made them overthink that made simple issue turned out to be too big to handle.

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Perhaps you still remember how stressful and intimidating exams was when you were younger. Perhaps you still feel it that way. The fear of failing and getting low scores are the usual thoughts that lingers inside your mind… before the exam starts until you finished the exams.

If that doesn’t intimidating us enough, we started to feel anxious and overthinking about almost everything! How? How did I managed to bring myself out of this nightmare? How did I survived? How did I reached here and be someone who I am now?

My big boss said, life is all about the journey and destination came in second. For example, the journey to the nearest convenience store can be more satisfying compared to the moment we reached the store. Perhaps, we saw something that we have never seen before and we might learned a thing or two.

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Throughout my life, I learned a lot. From the simplest things to the most complicated things ever. I bet, you guys have experienced it as well. BUT, what made us different is how we take it and learned from it. Some may just see it as an error, a fault, a mistake that can never be undone. Some may see it as a burden and  problem without taking any interest in utilizing it. Some may see it as a waste of time because it doesn’t return them with any benefits whatsoever.

Ever since I was in secondary school (that would be 13 y/o to 17 y/o) I always ended up in a situation where I don’t have any choice but to do it. When I was 16, I was the chairman for Red Crescent Society in school. In my school, Red Crescent Society is not something popular and no one really interested in anything. I was chosen mainly because of seniority and somehow I didn’t really decline, so I went on with it.

Over the two years of being a chairman, I learned a lot! Being the introvert I am, I need to push myself and be someone that I never expected to be. I learned to deal with people, I learned how to face humiliation, I learned how to be stern when I need to and I learned how to put up a straight face when I have to deal with difficulties. For me the best thing I learned is about giving you all the best and handle your expectations.

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Then, I went to college. I had to deal more tough things and to be honest, I don’t think I can handle. Somehow I survived! I was the president for my course in my senior year and I had to deal with a lot of annoying stuff. The members, the lecturers and the management too. Then, came to the relationship part which I don’t want to talk here because that would be unnecessary.

After those long winded 900 words composition, I will point out the major points on how to overcome negative thoughts in the second part (which will be shorter! Hopefully!)

Read part two here.

 

 

 

But they were someone’s special souls

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Image from: WSB Radio

I am devastated,
And I do not know them,
I was not even there,
But the pain feels close,

I can’t stop imagining,
How terrifying the situation was,
Only to feel the heat and burn,
The screaming and desperation to call “Help!”,

I can’t stop to cry,
I feel sorry for their family,
Some managed to bid their last farewell,
But others lost in flame,

This is no time for pointing fingers,
This is the time to bring humanity closer,
They may not be your friends, families or lovers,
But they were someone’s special souls.