Ally’s Thoughts: Saying Goodbye to 2019

person holding a sparkler in macro photography
Photo by Kris Lucas on Pexels.com

Hi everyone,

We are here, in December and leaving 2019. The truth is, it was a really rough year for me. Too rough and I still try to stabilize the aftermath.

I want to share it here because I know that there are more out there having bad times, worst than mine.

After working for almost 2 years in a good place, I started to feel depressed. Early 2019, I got myself diagnosed and referred to a psychiatric clinic. Now, I’m under medication and having a new job.

For those who are struggling with mental illness, I hope you found the courage to break out from the void and get some help. Then, the real battle starts there because wanting to feel good and ‘normal’ is ridiculously hard.

It is hard to find someone you can trust, to share the things you are experiencing right now. Find the right channel and you are not alone.

Now, I am into 10 months under medication and I am still far away being healthy. However, slowly I feel my motivation is coming back. As I was going through all these, I realized so many things about my situation. It opened my eyes and I hope you will find it in your journey too.

Thank you very much for reading and visiting my site. I am sorry for neglecting my WordPress community with less posts and less visiting your sites. I am ashamed but I really feel good whenever I return here.

Wishing you all the best in the year 2020. May all of you receive great blessing and find success in the things you want to achieve. Happy New Year!

So, think better on what you can do

the-bridge1
Source: Taste of Cinema

Have you looked outside the window?
Maybe the door or the house?
Far away from the shadow,
When the time stopped you can’t browse,

Then tell me,
How could you see the fortunate,
Or the unfortunate,
When your eyes shut and you always late,

Silly, that you can’t figure it out,
Then you taunt for a bout,
You act strong like a stout,
But my punches keeps you knocked out,

No, I am not really angry,
Just letting off steam and spare energy,
Plus all these words and creativity,
I can’t store them personally,

Life is harsh and everyone else too,
So, think better on what you can do,

Dalam diam gelap jiwaku terikat

dark_room_by_ikiz
Source: innocentstore.sk

Banyak yang nak aku luah,
Dari dulu sampai kini tiba,
Ada yang kecil, besar, shallow dan deep jua,
Tentang isu manusia, kucing, panda dan buaya,
Dari A sampai Z tapi aku buntu pada siapa,

Yang nak dengar bukan manusia,
Yang dengar bukan makhluk bernyawa,
Daripada kabus ilusi aku jampi jadi nyata,
Tiada yang akan menikam aku dalam dunia,

Suaraku bisu mulut ku terkunci rapat,
Tapi suara minda ku bergema kuat,
Lama kelamaan bayangan jadi hakikat,
Dalam diam gelap jiwaku terikat.

Ally’s Thoughts: The Struggle With Depression

dark_room_by_ikiz
Source: innocentstore.sk
Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.
 
Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.
 
To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.
 
For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.
 
It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.
 
For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.
 
It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.
 
The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.
 
Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.
 
Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.
 
Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.
 
For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.

Is yourself and your will to be.

two people on mountain cliff
Photo by Valdemaras D. on Pexels.com

Do you mind if I write you some letters,
To severe the burden that has you tethered,
Because I want you to be remembered,
As a person I used to dream and admire,

Nothing in this world would ever last,
It will be me, you and all of us,
Let a new day come and leave the past,
In tomorrow and the future we should trust,

I was never really being optimistic,
Not an optimist more like being pessimistic,
But I keep seeing the patterns that made me sick,
Stuck in a cycle that made me weak,

I am always tired, sleepy and losing my mood,
Not even a cake can make me feel good,
Feeling gloom and keep on to brood,
My mind being shredded and body being chopped like a wood,

Then came a time when I could no longer hold,
Holding a knife twice ready to slit my throat,
My hand was shaking and my mind starts to explode,
From overthinking when I just need a minute away from my next world,

That’s where I stopped to be in motion,
The motion of circling in the same notion,
Wanting to die so bad and being impatient,
Yet I couldn’t brace myself for the transition,

I don’t want you to become like me,
To be on the edge and too late to see,
That the answer to change and be free,
Is yourself and your will to be.

#NaPoWriMo2019 Day 7: The gift, out of this world

supermassive-black-hole
Source: gizmodo.com.au

The gift I seek is expensive,
Not to the currency of this  world,
Not owned by anyone alive in this world,
Not available in this world,
Made for me and mine alone,
Promised to me,
And it is up to me,
To take it,
Or throw it away,
The gift, out of this world.


#NaPoWriMo2019 Day 7: write a poem of gifts and joy. What would you give yourself, if you could have anything? What would you give someone else?