Ally’s Thoughts: Orange (2016)

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Source: /www.amefuriblog.com.br

Hi everyone,

Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.

In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.

Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.

In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.

There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.

For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.

From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to  pick myself up.

Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.

Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.

I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.

In the end, I don’t know…

As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.

All the best!

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On ridiculous decision

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Source: Giphy

The beat of your heart,
Follows the rhythm,
That was lost,
And forgotten,
Nothing familiar,
Only senses of sanity,
And instinct,
Of being a human,
On ridiculous decision.

Ally’s Thoughts: Losing Ally

red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time
Photo by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Where have I been?

A question that probably best suited in my current situation. I am spending my time working… except, I am not actually living. More like, I am wasting my time and pretty much dull and boring. I am hopeless, dreamless and unmotivated. Basically, I am walking with my head down and there are walls between me and real life.

Waking up at 6 am and sleep at 10 pm. I’m at work from 8:45 pm until 5.30 pm. I arrived at home around 8 pm or later if I have unfinished tasks. I live my life like a robot with the same schedule again and again. No fun or excitement. Nothing really happening to keep me going on forward like a rocket need its fuel.

Weekend feels too short. First blink it is Saturday and the second blink, its already Sunday. As I blink for the third time, I am back at work. Weekdays dragging myself anchoring me and set my eyes on the next weekend. Where I mostly at home doing nothing except binge-ing on Netflix content. Season by season.

Where it went  wrong?

My senses are dull, my words are dry, my inspiration in drought, and my motivation shattered. My mind filled with anxiety and helpless puny tasks of work. My values in inspiration and creativity has turned black and white. Where I usually talk about ideas, dreams and hope in every interaction I could previously with my peers, is something that I never had the chance in my current workplace.

I have no one to blame except myself, I cannot fit in because I feel too different. I have no one that have the same wavelength as I do. Not even the same background or interest. Nothing would inspire me or spark my interest. Was my threshold on excitement too high? Or was it something else? I don’t feel I am being myself. I don’t feel I am Ally who loves to read and write. It used to bring me fun and joy in writing, my mind was fresh and active. I am slowly becoming emotionless and slowly turning into a robot.

I want it back. The joy and freedom of writing. The most time I feel so alive. I want to feel alive. Not this lazy unmotivated soul.

What about today?

I forced myself today. To write and look upon this wonderful community that I miss so much. Fellow friends and writers that staying strong. They keep on going. I realized that I have become those who suddenly out of radar and fades away, eroded by time.

I forced myself to listen my favorite piano playlist in Spotify – Piano in the background. No singing except melodious sound from a piano with various theme. This is the playlist that made me feel in the moment, a playlist that resonate to this heart of mine. Unknowingly, my eyes teary and I can’t help myself to sniffle.

I realized that writing and the blogging community is in a distant past. I don’t really know why I feel that way. By just thinking about it made me miss it so much. Even to write all this feels like I am reminiscing something that I have lost.

Where I am now?

I am drifting in space where I can’t reach anywhere without supply. I need my inspiration and motivation. I need the fun and excitement. I need the interaction of dream and hopes. I need to be Ally. A person who inspires and full of motivation. A person who is so passionate about writing that will poke a bit of sense to the one who reads. A person who writes silly and comedic poems.

I don’t want to float too long or I feel like I will lose myself more. I will lose Ally more.

To a quiet slumber

dark_room_by_ikiz
Source: innocentstore.sk

Is it dark yet?
Or is it just me?
Who couldn’t see,
In the brightness,
Of the scorching sun,
As the light reflected,
On the surface of the ocean,
Still,
I am in darkness,
Cold and silent,
Shivering and sweaty,
With shaky ground,
Pulling me down,
To a quiet slumber.

Ally’s Thoughts: Fervent February?

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Image from: Dictionary.com

Hi fellow friends and readers!

We are finally moving up to February and a month past after entering the year 2018. I am sorry for the lack of content and I am pretty sure the same will happen in February. I was so caught up with work and also the unpleasant mood of weather. It has been scorching hot in the afternoon and unexpected heavy rain in the evening here in Malaysia.

Why it is a fervent February? Other than the tight working schedule, I have to attend my friends wedding which are back to back every weekend this month. I was left behind in my entertainment department as well. In January, I did not watch any movies in the cinema. Luckily this week, I only have 2 working days, Monday and Tuesday. Thanks to Thaipusam, Federal territory day and I took a leave on Friday as well. However, I will be quite busy on the weekend. That is pretty much the reason I am able to write now.

Just reminiscing last year, I was on my career break and basically focusing on this blog and my other writing projects. To be honest I really miss the moment. Every day waking up, I don’t have to worry about work except what I want to do most, which is writing. I was not even worried about not having a job. I only focused on myself in enjoying my free time. It was carefree too.

In a year, so many things has changed and I am sure so many things to come. It’s never wrong to stay in positive thinking especially on the things that we cannot predict. How else than looking on the bright side on the things forward. It’s much better for us to stay calm and try to be organized so we are more prepared.

I hope you guys will enjoy your February. Have a good month and enjoy!

 

As we ignore and decaying alone

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Source: Vimeo

When we aren’t looking,
The Earth completed its daily spin,
From day to night,
And we remain here,

When we aren’t looking,
The soul in a child starts to breathe,
The soul in a body left slowly,
And we remain here,

When we aren’t looking,
An old forest lost permanently,
A vast land mined deeply,
And we remain here,

When we aren’t looking,
People we knew left,
And new one appeared,
And we remain here,

The more we aren’t looking,
The more we remain here,
Time moves on with everyone,
As we ignore and decaying alone.


Hey everyone!

I’m sorry if I went missing for almost two weeks. I haven’t been writing anything after New Year. Things has went pretty busy and I’m not in a perfect condition to find my inspiration.

I’m wishing everyone has a great weekend and hopefully staying healthy and safe. Have a great day ahead! 😀