Note that this is a post that has been in my draft since January. I was in a struggle with no chance of winning, well I was wrong. I haven’t win the war yet but the victory in the countless battles strengthened me.
Therefore, I am sharing this as a reminder for myself and to share how dreadful the feeling was at that time.
I think, this will be my last post. I am retiring, not as a writer but as a living breathing thing.
I have been struggling too long, too long that I don’t know why I’m still here. Too long that I don’t have any more reasons to reason with my inner self, “Why am I still here?”. I am too tired to argue again about it.
Hell and eternal damnation? No.
It is too tough to keep going only to be hopeful and telling myself that everything going to be alright. Everything will eventually work out. No. It doesn’t work that way. The situation and surrounding is just too ridiculous. It is petty too.
My effort? I tried. Many times.
I learned to accept. Doesn’t work.
I learned to forgive. Doesn’t work.
I learned to love. Doesn’t work.
I learned to better person. Doesn’t work.
I learned to believe. Doesn’t work.
I learned to fear. Doesn’t work.
I learned to trust. Doesn’t work.
I learned to forget. Doesn’t work.
I learned too much that it drove me crazy.
Until the very end, my inner self still want to reason with me. I had enough. Too much conflict in my head and it is too tiring. Not to mention the conflicts outside my head.
I can’t function properly.
I can’t breath properly.
I can’t love properly.
I can’t live properly.
I can’t. I won’t.
I gave up. Too long… Too long…
For my last words, I am not apologizing. I want to say my gratitude for keeping me this long. I had wished for it since I was 10 and I never get it. I was not brave enough to take it myself. I envy the others who decide to do it. Thank you.
“I tried and I did not fail. I just stopped and took a long stop.”
What time it is?
Is it morning?
Or lunch time?
Or perhaps dinner?
Oh I’m pretty sure it’s not Fall,
What am I talking about?
It is definitely December,
There are no flowers around,
What time it is?
Is it dawn?
Or it is midday?
Definitely not twilight,
I have no idea,
I have tried many ways,
From the shadow of a stick to digital,
What time it is?
Because I need to watch the time.
#NaPoWriMo2019 Day 15: write your own dramatic monologue. It doesn’t have to be quite as serious as Browning or Shakespeare, of course, but try to create a sort of specific voice or character that can act as the “speaker” of your poem, and that could be acted by someone reciting the poem.
If God inspires you to have a date with me,
I would love to enjoy drinks and foods with you,
If your eyes stared at me three minutes and longer,
I may have fallen in love with you instantly,
If your fingers lingers on mine while we were talking,
I shall cross our fingers tight,
If you speak to me the lovely words with your lovely voice,
I will tell you that you are one of my favorite singer,
If you kiss me when we met,
I will never let your lips slip away from mine,
If you take me home and locked me in your room,
I will probably call the police.
#NaPoWriMo2019 Day 6: write a poem of the possible. What does that mean? Well, take a look at these poems by Raena Shirali and Rachel Mennies. Both poems are squarely focused not on what has happened, or what will happen, but on what might happen if the conditions are right. Today, write a poem that emphasizes the power of “if,” of the woulds and coulds and shoulds of the world.