Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.
Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.
To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.
For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.
It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.
For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.
It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.
The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.
Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.
Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.
Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.
For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.
Tiap kali aku pejamkan mata,
Dengar detak detik jantungku berirama,
Suara halus berbisik di dalam telinga,
Membawa aku berjalan jauh berkelana,
Beribu batu berjalan tanpa arah tuju,
Fizikal penat lelah berlari aku diburu,
Setiap langkahku janggal semakin kaku,
Kerap kali jatuh atas beribu paku,
Semakin aku meningkat usia,
Aku sedar banyak perkara tak sempurna,
Bukan semua manis madu bergula,
Yang tersirat tak kelihatan palsu belaka,
Berkali kali aku lelah dalam kehidupan,
Ke sana sini mencari perhentian,
Mengharap rahsia masa depan ku masih tersimpan,
Sebelum jasadku dipinta bumi, tamat ditelan.
We are finally moving up to February and a month past after entering the year 2018. I am sorry for the lack of content and I am pretty sure the same will happen in February. I was so caught up with work and also the unpleasant mood of weather. It has been scorching hot in the afternoon and unexpected heavy rain in the evening here in Malaysia.
Why it is a fervent February? Other than the tight working schedule, I have to attend my friends wedding which are back to back every weekend this month. I was left behind in my entertainment department as well. In January, I did not watch any movies in the cinema. Luckily this week, I only have 2 working days, Monday and Tuesday. Thanks to Thaipusam, Federal territory day and I took a leave on Friday as well. However, I will be quite busy on the weekend. That is pretty much the reason I am able to write now.
Just reminiscing last year, I was on my career break and basically focusing on this blog and my other writing projects. To be honest I really miss the moment. Every day waking up, I don’t have to worry about work except what I want to do most, which is writing. I was not even worried about not having a job. I only focused on myself in enjoying my free time. It was carefree too.
In a year, so many things has changed and I am sure so many things to come. It’s never wrong to stay in positive thinking especially on the things that we cannot predict. How else than looking on the bright side on the things forward. It’s much better for us to stay calm and try to be organized so we are more prepared.
I hope you guys will enjoy your February. Have a good month and enjoy!
We are stars,
That shines brightly,
Lighting the life,
Endlessly around us,
If we chose to,
If we chose not,
We suck people,
To the dullness,
And dark life,
Like black holes.
We are few days away to celebrate a new year, 2018! If I were to describe my 2017, it was rejections, eye-opening, hopeful, eventful, emotional, freedom, wise and lovely. The events happened this year are mostly work related and there are some personal stuff but manageable. Hopefully.
It is the year where I quit my 2 years job as a Associate/ Content Editor. Then, I had a very short career break for 4 months. Where I mostly used to write more and explore more of my creative side. Then, I was hired to work in an investment bank and enjoying my time learning in the HR department.
2017 also quite memorable because I went to travel alone to Kuching and really enjoyed myself there.
All my book projects are currently on halt and my writing time has been tremendously cut down. I am mostly busy with work right now. I will try my best to spend my time in writing!
As I did last year, I present you my Top 10 poems in 2017! The top list are based on views!
And I hope I will be able to meet more writers, bloggers and talented people in 2018. Lets have a cup of coffee together! Do check their sites for wonderful posts.
WHAT TO EXPECT IN 2018
Other than hoping all the good things, I don’t really have anything else to ask. I will just be busy with work, movies, buying books that I have no time to read, meeting new faces, travelling, and hopefully a partner? Exciting isn’t it?
That’s all for now. I wish you all the best in 2018. To me, entering a new year is just the same. It’s not about having a resolution or having the perfect plan but its how I would spend my time in the best way I can. I do have plans and I’m working on it but ultimately, I want to enjoy every moment that I have with the people around me, the time for myself, and do the things that I want. It’s much more interesting that way, isn’t it?
That’s all for now. I wish you all a happy new year!
It’s finally December and we have come a long way in 2017. But before that, I want to summarize my 2017 November. One word to describe my November, busy. Busy with work, leisure and personal life.
In November, I get to know a lovely person. She was a passionate and enthusiastic person. I always believe that there are no encounters in life that doesn’t teach us anything. There will always be lessons in each one.It doesn’t matter, if its short or long, if we just take a moment to think and understand, we will see it.
I learned a lot from her, even now. One of the lesson I learned was to always show dedication. There are things that will always push us down and we don’t feel like getting up anymore. When things get rough and hard but we still believe in the choice that we made.
Why keep going? Things doesn’t look well? Why stay? Are you blind? Don’t you see?
Source: Giphy
Those are challenges but sometimes all we need is dedication. A dedication leads to motivation in moving on. I always ask myself, what do I need to keep on going. I always believe I need motivation but I never really been dedicated to find it. Well, I believe I don’t need to rush everything and leave my door open.
I would like her to know that I am thankful to her, all the interaction, time and dedication in believing me. Again, thank you.
What’s there for me in December?
I decided to stay in my current company. I mentioned about my working situation few times in my previous posts. I did mention that corporate life is not my cup of tea but I had a talk with my boss and my big boss. They taught me some lesson from their experience.
Source: Giphy
One thing I remember well is, it is find to have your passion and its not wrong. It is important to have a balance between passion and reality. I have been managing it pretty well though I did not exactly post daily now but I think I still can spend my time to write and do more. I will learn more in work and keep on writing as well. I am hoping all the best in the next 5 years. I have so many things to achieve and hopefully I will achieve them!
Other than work, I will be going to the Hatsune Miku Expo! I have been following Hatsune Miku since 2009 and this will be the first time Hatsune Miku will come to Malaysia. As a fan, I can’t help myself but to be a part of this memorable event. I can’t wait!
Looking back at last year December, it has been a long road. Last year, I was in different workplace and different surrounding with different job scope. Now, I’m in a different place. I feel like I am in a game where I have completed a level and moving on to a different level. Life is always an adventure.
Source: Giphy
I hope everyone will have a great December! There are other plans waiting for me and hopefully everything will be well. That’s all from me. Wishing you all the best!
There are things hard to say,
Frozen and speechless,
The arduous words,
The unspoken expression,
Perhaps not us,
Perhaps them,
To express it for us,
Through their creativity,
Their efforts,
Their souls,
Their music,
Their writings,
Their paintings,
They speak for us,
The things we can’t express ourselves.
The idea,
Is a starter,
And a beginning,
For something,
Certainty or uncertainty,
But everything has to start,
Somewhere,
Like an egg,
With harden egg shell,
Nurturing the soul,
In the inside,
Until it is ready,
To break out,
And reach out,
For something.
It’s already November and two months away from 2018! For those who participate in NaNoWriMo, I wish you all the best! It will be a hard journey but I believe in your capabilities and believe in your own story!
So, how is October for me? October was fun, tiring and stagnating in certain aspects of my life. Few things that I considered great were the self-actualization program and I went to Perak, Malaysia for the first time. It was a short trip but I decided to come again someday to enjoy it more.
I somehow can’t believe that we are months away from 2018 and when I look back at all the things that happened… So many things happened!
My thoughts right now?
I believe in the phrase ‘if you want to move on, face it!’, something that I believe but I rarely apply it especially on romantic issues. When I was attending the self-actualization program, there was this one session where they can talk about the problems that were bothering them. Someone mentioned about relationship matter and instantly it struck me. When it comes to a relationship, we need to be honest in how we feel and not just that, we also have to voice out how we feel. A relationship includes human and as far as we know, we don’t really have the ability to read each other mind. So, communicating is important. We can’t keep it to ourselves and hope that things will get better because it might not happen. Plus, things can get worst too.
How that applies to me when I’m not even in a relationship? I learned that I’m not the type that can easily let go something off. If I like someone, I can’t really stop liking them unless I found someone else to like OR I let them know how I feel. The part where ‘time heals’ doesn’t really apply to me in this sense. I don’t know why when it comes to confessing, it will be really hard for me.
Letting go is hard but somehow, I don’t want to leave any loose end. It’s like opening a box and then the box was left open. Right now, I might be burdening myself to think and plan on how should I take things forward. I believe somehow, I will manage.
What about November?
I can’t wait for November actually! I spend my first week of November attending a training program. Then, I’ll be travelling alone and hopefully everything will be smooth. I really need this, just to go somewhere and enjoy myself alone. I need a fresh air. One more thing, Justice League will be released on 16th November! I am really looking forward.
I want to apologize to you guys if I don’t post new post daily or late in replying your comments. My work demanding priority at the moment. However, I will always try my best to update and stay connected with you guys. I wish you all the best and stay safe!
Write Ally! Write! 