I hope you are doing well and healthy. There is a topic in my mind that have been poking me to write it down. Earlier, there was this conversation between someone that is close with a relative. The topic was about me, and this person couldn’t really explain well what I do.
I felt the heaviness in my chest after my brain decided to process the conversation. It made me remember all the things I thought I have forgotten. The childhood that made me this way. The respond and conversation that I made me feel denied of everything.
A friend shared this post from Instagram and I can’t help to feel overwhelmed.
The post hits me close. Imagine after all those years, and some of us are really struggling to open up. Is it mendable? Is it possible to even have this trust again? The scenario that running through my head is how heartbreaking it would be to them for not opening up. Worse when we told them that we don’t really trust them and how the connection is not as close as they think. The thoughts of, how ungrateful I could be!
What kind of feeling that have been stirring inside me? The thought of being torn and unable to feel anything around them and the feel that I am faking everything messed me up. It feels a lot more horrible when others could understand you better.
I think this thought of loneliness not only came from being alone but from the people around you that don’t understand you. They denied your thoughts and concerns for a long time. And when the time really comes, you rather keep it silent.
The song Headlights by Eminem feat Nate Ruess was so relatable and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I’m unable to really deliver the words in my head and I only feel like writing this much. Sorry for the bad words, sentences, or grammar. I really just want to write my thoughts down so much. At least to feel a little bit lighter.
I wish to all Malaysian, a Happy 64th Independence Day, or Merdeka Day. In the spirit of fighting the pandemic, the theme is carried from last year, Malaysia Prihatin meaning Malaysia Cares. It does fit us in this challenging time during the pandemic including the political instability.
There have been plenty of things happened and I am sure that all Malaysians experienced it. Ever since we had our first lockdown, selfish actions by some politicians, economic disasters, and of course the loss of souls from Covid-19. In this post, I feel the urge to share my thoughts also known as venting out. I believe that as a citizen, there is nothing wrong for me to express my feeling, to share dissatisfactions.
I do have a lot to write on but it will probably turned out to be lengthy and uninteresting for other to read. I will just write based on a topic that I want to highlight.
Malaysia Prihatin, or Malaysia Cares.
In the place where I live, the lockdown have been imposed for more than 500 hundred days. I live in a state that contributes the highest Covid-19 cases nationally. While there are some softer restrictions earlier, it turned worst after Malaysia struggling with the 3rd waves of the pandemic. I mostly ended up staying home and only go out to buy necessary groceries. I am sure I am not alone to feel extremely exhausted because of it.
During this pandemic, I submitted to my depression, I withdraw from projects, I lost some relatives, and likely to worsen my mental health. While that is from my perspective, there are others that are less fortunate. It is in the news every single day. Some loses their source of income, some struggling to have basic necessities, and some loses a lot more.
Fortunately, Malaysians can be helpful and generous towards each other. While we are made of different culture and races, being supportive is a trait that we shares together. It was shown by the #BenderaPutih movement. It was amazing to see how willing and able for us to help each other.
What disgusts me was when some politicians belittled the movement. It was unnecessary and showed lack of empathy, plus the big disparity between reality from the so called ‘elite’ perspective. My obvious impression is yes, we the struggling citizen can relate and believe in Malaysia Prihatin. It doesn’t seem the case for such elits in Malaysia. They don’t care.
The real Malaysians
As I grew up, and already starting my 3-series journey this year, I met with a lot of people. I dare to say this, the real Malaysians will never judge each other based on races. Why? Simply because it doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be judgmental towards other races? For me, it is all based on individual. No one would like to be band together for something that they are not.
I can see clearly how great unity is during this pandemic. I can see the eagerness from real Malaysians to help each other. I see them as the real Malaysians. I believe that as time move forward, we will become better.
And to the crooks and selfish politicians, Malaysians rallied together to help each other during this pandemic. While you were busy playing chess to gain power, you sidelined us to make us suffer. I believe that the younger generations are ready to change the landscape of the archaic political games.
The next 10 years will be something I am looking forward to. As a responsible citizen, I voted in elections ever since I met the age requirements. Things already changing and it was proven by the last general election. While things became unstable after that, I consider it as the inevitable change that will echo louder later.
I wish nothing else but to see better leaders in the future. Simply because, I might live through that future.
I hope you are staying safe and healthy. We are still in the pandemic and affecting our lives more or less. It sure hit me hard especially on my mental health.
On this post, I want to share my on how the things going on around me affected me so much. Some of the things happened directly, some I came across my social media feeds. I wish to add some trigger warnings that may affect you.
The Numbing Days
Ever since the year started, I’ve lost few relatives. Some from cancer, COVID, and other reason. It affected my mood and I don’t even have the time to reconcile with my own feeling and emotions. I only choose to suppress the thoughts and keep on going. I started to burn out and depression kicks in quickly. To add the numbness, I had to manage some of the death directly because of unavoidable circumstances.
Some of them, I had been helping to take care while they were bed ridden. Yesterday they were still breathing, they were gone the next day. To be a part of the process is overwhelming too. From the moment they took their last breath, calling the ambulance, making police report, then, to the burial ground. Some were a bit of hassle, especially in hospital. Some with lack of proper documentations, costly procedures, and time consuming.
Even after everything is completed, its probably just the first part. I am still not able to reflect on the things going on and keep on moving while ignoring the pain inside me.
Lack of Happiness
During this long lockdown in Malaysia, my days are mostly spent at home with pending work. Adding and piling up anxieties. I am torn between work and lack of motivation. I need my time and space. While I am able to go out to buy groceries, it doesn’t feel the same.
I am used to find my joy outside. I’m used to take long commute from home to work. I want to be on the train. I want to take long walk among the crowd. I want to sit and have my food in a restaurant. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone because I am enjoying it.
I did find distractions but it was not enough. I’m not sure what count as being happy when I spent most of the time feeling nothing. Then came the creeping feeling of being overwhelmed and the urge to curl then cry. It’s on repeat. What’s worst is when the environment lead to another trigger that ruined my day. Ruined my mood. Only to crush me down and decapitate me emotionally.
Every time I’m on social media, the world feels like getting worst. People losing their lives, loved ones, jobs, health, and home. Their livelihood destroyed. The war. The wrath of mother nature. The incompetent leaders. I can only help as much. I can only do as much. I wish I can do more.
The thoughts of other suffered more paralyzed me. The thoughts that others are struggling aching me. The thoughts of others losing their loved one shook me. It can happen to me too. The urge to keep on trying and moving forward stunted me. Especially in this state of mine.
The truth is…
I am tired. I am given up. I don’t want to feel this discomfort. I am tired to reevaluate my life again. The dark thoughts haunting me is probably regret of not doing things sooner. Will I be regretting it again for the next few years? I don’t have the answer for it now.
I don’t even know what I want now. I only have the urge to sleep and forget. I don’t want to continue. Yet, what keeps me going? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it cowardice?
The only thing I’m sure of is, I am tired. I am exhausted.
Is it? Of course it is not. Scammers tricked unsuspecting desperate people thinking it is the fastest way to help their financial troubles.
Sorry for the long break and silence. I was pretty busy with work for the past few months until I no longer have one. Surprised? Me too.
I have been working in a media company that focused on cryptocurrency and blockchain technology. I have like zero knowledge about the industry and I was clueless. However, six months into it, I am not expert but I am moderately informed. So to speak.
I will share with all of you on what I have learned and acquired. Therefore, you will not be fooled or scammed by these scammers. I am here to raise awareness about what is Bitcoin and how to educate yourself about Bitcoin!
There are so many things I wanted to share, I will break Ally’s Thoughts into few parts. So, you won’t get confused or get a headache because of too much information.