Ally’s Thoughts: What is My Life Purpose?

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Hi friends and readers,

For the past couple of months, I’ve been onto a really familiar yet different phase of my life. As I’ve shared previously in my previous posts, I joined a program called The Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind. You can read why I joined the program below.

If you are interested to read more about the program or you want to experience the program, read here.

In a way, the program helps me to keep on engaging with my creative side and how to sustain it. I’m grateful to experience the program. I’m still practicing and utilizing the lessons and tools that were taught during the program. It was really helpful. That is on my creative side.

Apart from the Mind Gardening with Arts program, I was also studying for a life coaching program with Transformation Academy. Feel free to read more about them here. As of today, I have completed two courses and I still have two more courses to complete the full Master’s course. However, I’m not in any hurry. I’ll talk more about it in a different post later.

For me, self-growth and development are not something new. Sharing my work and my thoughts were also a part of my self-reflection activity here. Also, I’m grateful that some of the companies I worked with previously exposed me to self-development programs a lot. While I might have forgotten some of them, occasionally the memories returned to be a reminder in my life.

Okay, back to the topic of my thought’s today. What is my life purpose? In Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind, I learned about my essence and what keeps me going when it comes to creativity and mindfulness. No problems with that. However, when I was going through my life coaching course, I found my lack of purpose in life.

In my situation, I don’t think I’ve ever thought it this way. A purpose that will keep you going no matter how hard it gets. The purpose has to be something specific and I have to believe in it. For example, whenever you are facing a tough moment in life, this purpose will the anchor to keep you grounded in the sea of turbulence.

For me, that sense of purpose was shattered when I had a really bad phase of depression. Life was not worth living for me. While I am feeling better now, I’ve been able to live and manage it well, I am still working on a lot of things I do feel I am constantly growing and learning new things but at one point like right now, I don’t feel I have a strong reason to go on. Of course, it goes back to self-love. If I love myself, I should be able to forward, right? My argument is that we all want the best for ourselves, and living might not be the best for me. Of course, this is all self-talk, self-belief, and what’s important is that what makes us happy. That is the priority.

Right now, I am trying and working to find my life purpose. I found out that I’m mostly living on auto-pilot for a really long time. For example, I go to school, so I could complete my studies. After I completed my study, I don’t have a purpose. Another example, I go to work because my purpose is to work and earn income. What happened when I’m no longer working, I don’t have a purpose. Also, I learned the hard way when they said don’t make a person be your life purpose. Once they are gone or leave your life, you lost your life purpose. I know I did.

I do have a couple of ideas about what my life purpose is but still need to work on it. Don’t worry, like I always do, I’ll figure it out eventually. So, what about you? Do you have a firm life purpose?


Ally’s Thoughts: Love Village (Ai No Sato) on Netflix Reminds Me of Things I’ve Forgotten

Hi friends and readers,

Today, I just finished the first part of Love Village (Ai No Sato) on Netflix. Love Village (Ai No Sato) is a Japanese reality dating show where participants moved to a house in the countryside to find love. The participants were aged between 35-60 years old. The format is similar to Terrace House and Ainori.

I wrote about Ainori previously. In case you missed it, you can read it here.

I’m writing this not to post a review about the show. It reminds me of how I was so into this kind of show previously, especially with Terrace House. However, I did not watch the last season of Terrace House because I feel disgusted with the reality that is happening behind the scenes after some of the participants exposed it. The last one I watched was Terrace House: Aloha State.

While I can’t say the same for Ainori, I did skip one season after their Asian Journey. I think I’m not too into it like I previously did with this kind of genre.

So, why did I choose to watch Love VIllage (Ai No Sato) then?

I watched the released trailers on Netflix, and at first, I thought it was quite the typical dating reality show. Until, I noticed about the age range of the participants. The age is between 35 – 60 and I think it is something different. Or probably because I’m in my 30s and it hits too close. Haha. So, I ended up completing the first part in a day.

So, what are the things I’ve forgotten?

It has been a long time since my last relationship. After that, I am mostly in what most people call situation-ship, crushes, and a phrase in Malay called ‘jaga jodoh orang’ which means taking care of other people’s future significant others. It’s silly, I know. However, I’m not pointing fingers at anyone because after a while with a lot of thoughts and reflections, I let myself to be in the situation. If anyone were to blame for that matter, it’s me.

Anyway, the first thing that the show reminded me of is my way of approaching someone I am interested in. I let my intention known. If I found someone interesting, I would tell them that and I want to know more about them. I rather be straightforward and upfront on my intention. Feel free to have different opinions on this take but I’m not budging. I’m not interested in doing any kind of mental gymnastics or guessing games when it comes to this matter.

Secondly, it reminds me that regardless of age, some people still have so many things to work on their personal self. Like their own identity, love language, past traumas, belief, goals, and visions. It reminds me of how far I’ve been in this journey of understanding myself. I’ve gone through different phases of life and I still learn new things. My triggers, regulating and accepting my emotions, accepting other people’s emotions, love language, attachment styles, life purpose, and so much more.

Sometimes, the more I learned about myself, the more I don’t feel I know myself well. Probably because there was a time in my life that it was not about me but more about them. I guess life is certainly a lifetime journey of learning and understanding ourselves.

Thirdly, it reminded me of how relationships are all about building a relationship and not a mix and match kind of relationship. To put it in a simple word, if two people are attracted towards each other, they have to do all the hard work together to make the relationship work. It will never work one-sided.

For example, when I think of relationships, I can no longer think about only the good things. I have to be prepared to accept the bad, the ugly, the worst, and the flaws of a relationship. In fact, talking about relationships in general like this for me feels pretentious to me. Simply because, I feel like I know a lot of things but I actually don’t. I’m not in any position to say things like this. Mainly because I will never experience what other people have experienced. We might have the same idea of experience but going through it, I doubt so. Yes, everyone went through break ups but we’re hurt and damaged differently. We felt the pain but the range of the pain scale is too big. We are unique individuals made from all the wounds and healing through our whole life.

If you are interested in dating reality shows, I would welcome you to watch Love Village (Ai No Sato) on Netflix. Check out the trailer below.

Until next time. Happy weekend everyone!

Ally’s Thoughts: You Are Missed. Rest In Peace, Friend.

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Hi friends and readers,

On the 9th of May, 2020, I lost a dear friend. I knew her from WordPress and she is a fellow Malaysian. I knew about her passing from Instagram. Some friends took over the account and posted about the news.

She was a talented writer in my opinion. Her words are profound and written so well in her poetry and prose. Personally, I saw her as a strong and independent person. I respect her so much.

Dear J, I pray that you are in a better place. The world may be challenging for you but may be in a lovely place and a thousand times better. I pray that you are reconnected with your beloved mother. I’m sorry that our last conversation a day before you went away was silly. I hope I was able to talk more things with you. May Allah grant you the best of places in Jannah. Rest well, friend.

Allow me to share your last words with my fellow readers.

In the end, I am just and will be a memory.
In yours I hope.


You will always be in our memory, friend.

Ally’s Thoughts: How the Movie Ghosted (2023) Reminded Me of Relationship Attachment Style

Hi friends and readers,

I recently watched a romantic action-adventure comedy movie, Ghosted. Starring Chris Evans and Ana de Armas. It’s a hilarious romantic comedy movie filled with action and adventure. It is a fun movie to watch, however, I don’t usually review movies. I just want to talk about how obvious the dynamic between the couple in the movie have their own relationship attachment style. And one more thing, no spoilers here.

I’m not an expert in relationships, trust me. However, being at the age I am now, I believe it should be common knowledge for anyone. How would you start a relationship if you didn’t read much about it? In a matter of fact, you should be aware and understand of yourself first before trying to understand others. That is just my belief.

Back to the movie, the couple have different styles of relationship attachment style. I believe Cole (Chris Evans) has an anxious attachment style while Sadie (Ana de Armas) has an avoidant attachment style. Both were having difficulties communicating and working things out. While they are characters in a movie, I can’t help to imagine real couples having the same issues they need to work on.

If you are interested on the movie, check out their trailer below:

Of course, understanding these kinds of things can be intimidating sometimes. I mean, learning and understanding about each other’s styles and working towards it. It is much better than not trying at all. No one is perfect and surely; I don’t believe in wrong timing or met a person at their worst beliefs.

Okay, what about me? If I told you I am a walking red flag, you better believe it. Previously, I guess I have more than one style. Now? I believe I’m doing better. I’m still working towards myself and I don’t think I’ll stop. I’m not perfect and I know well not looking for perfection. When it comes to relationships, I believe that it is always about working things out as a team. If you can’t work well with a team, how would you be able to respect your partner? Plus, relationships can be a lifetime commitment too.

Ally’s Thoughts: What is in the depth of loneliness?

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Hi fellow friends and readers,

Have you ever wondered what is in the depth of loneliness? Why some quotes generalizing about loneliness is equal to being alone. I think whoever came out with such quotes has not reached the deepest part of loneliness. I know I’m not one to talk about this. Whatever my opinion is, it doesn’t change anything. However, let me just get this thought out of my mind.

I am comfortable being alone. I’ve been spending most of my time alone. I’ve been living with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) ever since I was ten. And I only started to get help when I was 28. I’ve been misunderstood a lot. Not only by others but by myself as well. The more I learned about mental health, the more I understood about the things that I did when I was younger.

I started to learn to feel independent emotionally early. I’ve become comfortable being alone and doing my own stuff. It was on my healing journey I learned that I am actually hyper independent. To ask for help feels so foreign to me. Even now, I’m still working on it.

But what is really in the depth of loneliness? I think it varies for everyone. I believe in individualism. As for me, it’s not darkness that settles in the deepest part of loneliness. But a reflection of myself that acts like a devil. It’s the voice that always tries to convince me, there is nothing left for me in this world. It whispers that things will repeat itself no matter how hard I tried to be better. It persuades me that I don’t fit well anywhere. It is when I started to relate with all the words from the late Robin Williams and Chester Bennington.

No matter how many people I am surrounded with, the inability of connecting, perceiving, and receiving emotions are difficult. There is this wall or unconscious mechanism reacting to my surroundings. I ended up seen as stoic, cool headed, sleepy, tired, and putting up my default unemotional face most of the time. It feels worse when I really want to connect like sharing good news, funny memes, sad stories, exciting events, and so much more. I will end up writing text to myself. I know and understand that I have a few friends that are willing to listen and help me. I really appreciate them. There are times I still feel it is difficult to reach out.

To feel this level of loneliness is physically and mentally taxing. I have no friends or family that I personally feel like able to share everything. There was an instance where I was able to lift up everything. Yet, that was a long time ago. It was a reason that blew hope and strength in me. Until it no longer was.

I feel like writing so much more but will mostly on rants and mope stories. I don’t want to start spiraling and getting myself drunk in sadness. People experience loneliness differently. They also have their cures differently. It’s either they are working on it or not.

I wish everyone a good day ahead.

Ally’s Thoughts: Mind Gardening with Arts Program by A Lusher Mind Part Final

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Hi friends and readers,

Today is my final session for Mind Gardening with Arts Program by A Lusher Mind. Yes, this is my fourth and final session for the Beta program. If you missed out my previous session or journey, feel free to read them below.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Why did I join the Beta program? I shared the reason below.

Mind Gardening with Arts is a program through intentional artmaking to strengthen our minds while exploring our creativity. For the beta program, I will be on this journey for four weeks exploring intentional artmaking through different mediums. The medium is visual arts, music, and words.

If you are curious about A Lusher Mind and their initiatives, feel free to check their Instagram. They recently launched their website and it looks great! Check out their website here.

On my final session, the medium is word. Today, I have the chance to write a couple of haikus. I am not sharing it here. If you want to read it, check the post on my Instagram here.

Overall, my thoughts for today’s session are on how creativity should not be limited. I believe that creativity is all about freedom. If it sounds ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense, it is fine. That is what creativity is all about.

I hope April has been kind to you. If not, I hope it gets better soon. Happy Friday and have a great weekend everyone!

Ally’s Thoughts: Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind Part 3

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Hi friends and readers.

I had my third session today with A Lusher Mind on their Mind Gardening with Arts program. If you missed out on my two previous sessions, don’t worry. Feel free to read the first part here.

Here is the second part.

Why do I join this program? I did talk about it here.

Mind Gardening with Arts is a program through intentional artmaking to strengthen our minds while exploring our creativity. For the beta program, I will be on this journey for four weeks exploring intentional artmaking through different mediums. The medium is visual arts, music, and words.

If you are curious about A Lusher Mind and their initiatives, feel free to check their Instagram. Click Here!

This week, the medium is visual art. Like in my first session, I’m using the gouache paint again. If you want to see my not-so-artistic painting, I shared it on my Instagram. Today, we explore self-love and self-compassion. Such a topic is no stranger to me. I’m really familiar with it. However, as much as I know myself, I feel that I lack insights into my future.

It’s not that I don’t plan anything for my future but there was a time I feel so hopeful for the future. Visioning the perfect future and working hard towards it was something I am so familiar with. I lost a lot of things because of that. I’m not saying to not focus on the future. It’s just that I learn to prioritize my present. I rather live and enjoy my present while working for the future.

I believe in the journey that took me to where I am now. Things happened. Now, it’s time to move forward. Keep on going. I feel thankful that I am here. While I might not be where I expect myself to be, I am content. It’s hard to describe this feeling. I feel satisfied and it doesn’t mean I want to stop there. I want to improve more.

Regardless of where you are right now in your life. You are right where you need to be. Never ever compare yourself to others. Before signing off, let me share a song that has been haunting me for the past week. I’ve known this song for a long time but somehow I can’t stop playing it on repeat.

I’m probably going into some sort of phase right now. Enjoy!

Ally’s Thoughts: Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind Part 2

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Hi friends and readers,

Today I had my second session for Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind. Yes, this is my second session in trying to find my lost inner creativity. In case you missed my experience on my first session, you can read it here.

Mind Gardening with Arts is a program through intentional artmaking to strengthen our minds while exploring our creativity. For the beta program, I will be on this journey for four weeks exploring intentional artmaking through different mediums. The medium is visual arts, music, and words.

If you are curious about A Lusher Mind and their initiatives, feel free to check their Instagram. Click Here!

Unlike my previous session, the medium for this week is music. So, I have nothing to show but I will try my best to tell the things that happened. What is the topic for this week? Fundamental.

To be honest, I’m not a singer, I don’t have a good voice, but still, I enjoy singing my heart out especially in my car. Karaoke is one of my favorite activities. Apart from that, I enjoy listening to music. My Spotify playlist is filled with random languages and genres. A moment I would be basking myself in the melodic harmony of classical arrangement and the next moment, I might be listening to a hard black metal symphonious music. I might start my day with some witty Egyptian Shaabi, the afternoon might be dancing to Bollywood songs, and sleeping to 90’s Mandarin songs.

While this is not a 90’s song, Teresa Teng holds a special seat in my love of music.

What does all this have to do with the session? Remember the topic for today is fundamental. Coming from someone like me, it’s hard to find one that I could call my own.

All and all, the exercises with A Lusher Mind were something new for me. From the basics of exploring my own voice to trying different vowel sounds. The feeling after all the exercise was dizziness. It was a fun way for me to experience throwing my own voice. Overall, I had fun.

The takeaway from today’s session is quite profound. I rarely talk to people on a daily basis. Only when I hang out with friends will I be chatty. Only when I sing in my car or go for karaoke will I be throwing my voice. I feel like someone has lost his voice. Today I somewhat feel the vibration of my voice bouncing in my lung and body. To feel comfortable with my own voice. Do you feel comfortable with your own voice?

Wishing everyone a fantastic day and a great weekend! If this week doesn’t work out too well for us, let’s hope next week will be ours for the taking.

Ally’s Thoughts: Why I Joined the Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind program?

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Hi friends and readers,

Remember my post on my first session on Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind? If you missed it, you can read it here.

Currently, I joined their BETA program. If you are interested to join the full program, sign up for their waitlist. You can find the details on A Lusher Mind Instagram account. Check it out here.

Why I joined this program?

The truth is I feel like my creativity has dried up. Whenever I read my poems back, I kinda miss the creativity I had when I started this journey. More so, if I compared it to my younger self, it feels barren and lacking. Not to mention the different style, the witty play of words, and the sweetest imagination that I can no longer taste.

There are times I think that this is probably how one’s style changed as one matured. If that is the case, I’m slowly turning into someone who is bland, mediocre, and lacking. Or it is probably because of my situation and environment. Either way, I started to feel sick of writing depressing words. I did a post about it.

Again, the same question I would ask is, what is a poet if they are not true to their feelings?

If all I’ve been feeling is these dark voids and spots, I should do something about it. Yet, it is not all bad. It is all a process and journey. I do feel sick of writing it that way but I accept it. It is how I feel. My own feeling. At the same time, I do feel invigorated writing about self-growth. I do feel good writing about positivity. I am healing. I feel like I am transitioning. Shedding old skin.

After taking consideration of all those thoughts popping and arguing inside my head. Why don’t I try something? And I found Mind Gardening with Arts. I signed up for their BETA program. From my first session, I think it is totally worth it.

One thing that I hold close to is that I want to experience. Through experience, all the senses in my body will taste and feel the journey. All the good and bad. Go through it. Explore it. Grow out of it. Write it.

Ally’s Thoughts: Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind Part 1

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Hi friends and readers,

I hope you are having a great day. If not, I hope you will get through the hardship you are facing soon. Let’s do our best to keep on going even when we know tomorrow is not what we have hoped for. Nothing wrong with being hopeful. Nothing wrong in believing things will get better.

Today I had my first session of Mind Gardening with Arts by A Lusher Mind. I signed up for their beta program a couple of weeks ago. Now, I am on this program for four weeks. If you are curious about A Lusher Mind and their initiatives, feel free to check their Instagram. Click Here!

The Mind Gardening with Arts is a program through intentional artmaking to strengthen our minds while exploring our creativity. For the beta program, I will be on this journey for four weeks exploring intentional artmaking through different mediums. The medium is visual arts, music, and words. I had my introductory session last Monday and I can’t help to feel excited about my first session which happened earlier today.

For my first session, the concept is self-essence. The medium for this week is visual art. Have you ever thought of your own essence? What makes you, you? For this session, I associated my essence with an ember. Last year I had a chance to get a personalized reading based on the elements. The person told me that I have a fire personality but not a wild kind of fire but smaller ones like an ember. It sounds weak and fragile. However, is it? Every fire starts small, but with the right condition, it can burn the whole world. Somehow, it reminded me whenever I feel so passionate about something that I won’t back down easily.

Back to the session, I decided to use gouache paint. I started to draw the ember in me. I will not be sharing it here but I have it on my Instagram. A heads up, the painting is elementary and it’s not for everyone. Be warned! Check the painting here.

From the session, I believe I know who I want to be and what I want to achieve. I know how and what I need. I also know what stops me. Even so, at times I still feel lost. Lack of focus too. Hopefully, whenever I see my painting, it will remind me of this ember still trying to grow and requiring sustenance to keep on going.

In the session, I set up my mantra for this journey.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, it’ll be
Baby, just let it be

It is a lyric from a song called Meant to Be by Bebe Rexha. Check the video below.

To be honest, I will try to believe. If it’s meant to be, it will be. It is a comforting line to believe in.

Why I joined Mind Gardening with Arts in the first place? I’ll share it in another post.

The session today reminded me of a similar program I had years ago. This is like the constant reminder I had throughout my life that I need to remember who I am. While the self-actualization program is more intense, at least for this session, I have arts t engage with. Here is the post in case you want to read about it.

That is all for now. I feel like I want to say a lot more but my mind feels foggy all of a sudden. Probably internal thoughts are clashing with my reality. Wishing everyone a great weekend! Until next time.