Ally’s Thoughts: I Am Too Mediocre And Ordinary

photography of green and red fire works display
Photo by Anna-Louise on Pexels.com

Greetings everyone,

I wish you all good health and all the best in any things that you want to achieve for the  year of 2019.

I am writing this post because I want to share something that has been on my mind lately. I am unable to express it clearly in my poems nor in any way I could possibly think. This will be a quite long post, so if you are in a hurry, skip it and read it later. However, if you have all the time you need, I want to ask you a favor.

Please read it until the end and share me your thoughts if you have any, star it if you like it or share it with all your connections. If you don’t like it, let me know why.

I want to share about the journey of my working life, it is not something that I can compare with the others who have worked longer than me. I just want to share on what have I done and how I actually feel about it. Right now, I am doubting my relevancy in this working world.

IT GOES WAY BACK

Whenever someone asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I would give the cliche answers. When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be someone who worked in the video games industry because of how I love video games so much at that time. As I entered college, I realized that I don’t know who I want to be and I was just following the flow. I do know that I just want a steady job and have the typical working life.

After I graduated from college, I earned my diploma in English Language Studies, I remained at the same place, where I did my internship. I worked there for 2 years doing admin in a property development company. As a young fresh graduate, to be employed is a blessing as my other friends are struggling to land a job.

It was a small company and most of the staff has been working for more than 10 years. The generation gap was obvious because the new faces joined the company are mostly interns. I was one of the intern. The staff are the same age of my parents or older. The job was manageable and the pay was sufficient, they even pay bonuses.

I learned a lot because I did a lot of different things in the company. If I were to choose the one most memorable would be the 5S and productivity project I had to handle in the company manufacturing division. I have to implement the 5S under the supervision of Malaysia Productivity Corporation (MPC), which was exciting for me at that time.

Even so at that point, I couldn’t figure out or imagine how my career would be. I left the company after I received a better offer from a company that I never expected.

A DREAM CAME TRUE

I started to play video games extensively when I was 7 years old. Back then, there was only that game console that load games from the cartridge. Then, I had a Game Boy, Playstation 1, PSP and gotten myself a computer. I am pretty sure that I had a wish about getting into the game industry at that time.

My wish was granted and my second employment was in a game publisher company that was really well known in Malaysia. I joined the company and worked in their social media app department. For me, that was already enough because I was exposed to their company culture and a lot of young people around, I was so happy.

My work are mostly to create content for the app and I realized that it was the most comforting to do. Eventually, I realized that I really like writing poetry and I shared some of my poetry in the platform. Not long after that, I decided to share my poetry to the rest of the world. Therefore, I created Write Ally Write! After a few months, I was really engaged with the WordPress community and decided to explore the writing world. 

I quit my job and was in search of a job that would let me utilize my creativity and writing skills. My decision led me to 4 months of unemployment but I had the best 4 months of writing experience. Within those 4 months, I have published 2 poetry ebooks and I feel really satisfied. My blog was growing and I get to know more people. It was exciting and I really feel that ‘this is my calling’.

THE REALITY AND THE FEASIBILITY

A 4 months unemployed restricted my spending and I have commitments to pay. I can’t remember how many job applications I have submitted and how many interviews I have attended. I want to pursue a writing career but it doesn’t look that bright. Almost the end of April, I received a phone call to an interview. I came for the interview and I got the job on the next day.

I came to the office and officially, I have jumped to a different sector, investment banking. I was in charge to draft the internal communication on behalf of the HR department and assisting my boss in special projects for the department. For the communication draft is fairly easy and a little write up is a walk in the breeze. The special projects however is something I never really do. There are two parts, the research part was really straight forward. I don’t have any complaints. The second part is the project management part, where I have to learn about project management.

I have no problem until the projects started to pile up. I am having a hard time to keep up and not to mention the persistent management committee update every two weeks. I endured for almost 2 years and I realized that I am unable to keep my head straight. I don’t think I am able to stay sane from all the anxiety and depression.

THE WHEEL TURNS, AGAIN

I am still with the investment bank until the end of January. I have to extend because I have some pending projects and they still have not found any replacement. What will I do next? I want to rest first for few months. I am mentally exhausted at the point it scares me.

I noticed that, I don’t have any confidence on myself or my skills for work. I am not sure what I want to do anymore. I am too mediocre and too ordinary.

 

 

 

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Ally’s Thoughts: A Poem With A Poem

Open Blank Notebook with Pen on Wooden Table
Source: Freebie.photography

Hi everyone,

I recently remembered about an activity I usually did when I was younger. I basically remembered thanks to the ongoing hip hop beef between Eminem and MGK. I realized that I did something similar.

I am talking about replying a poem with a poem. This happened when I was 16 I think, I get to know a friend from an online mobile game. That time, we only have like Java games and GPRS connection. It was fun back then.

Keeping it short, I will always exchange poems with her and it was very fun to do. Therefore, I want to do it again. I would like to invite all of you who read this post, to write me a poem and I will do my best to reply on the poem.

So, would you like to give it a try? Send me a poem and I will reply it through your email and I will post it on my blog as well. I’m not sure how this will go but we won’t know until we try!

Will be waiting at allylmare(at)gmail.com!

Ally’s Thoughts: Orange (2016)

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Source: /www.amefuriblog.com.br

Hi everyone,

Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.

In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.

Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.

In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.

There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.

For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.

From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to  pick myself up.

Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.

Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.

I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.

In the end, I don’t know…

As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.

All the best!

Ally’s Thoughts: Losing Ally

red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time
Photo by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Where have I been?

A question that probably best suited in my current situation. I am spending my time working… except, I am not actually living. More like, I am wasting my time and pretty much dull and boring. I am hopeless, dreamless and unmotivated. Basically, I am walking with my head down and there are walls between me and real life.

Waking up at 6 am and sleep at 10 pm. I’m at work from 8:45 pm until 5.30 pm. I arrived at home around 8 pm or later if I have unfinished tasks. I live my life like a robot with the same schedule again and again. No fun or excitement. Nothing really happening to keep me going on forward like a rocket need its fuel.

Weekend feels too short. First blink it is Saturday and the second blink, its already Sunday. As I blink for the third time, I am back at work. Weekdays dragging myself anchoring me and set my eyes on the next weekend. Where I mostly at home doing nothing except binge-ing on Netflix content. Season by season.

Where it went  wrong?

My senses are dull, my words are dry, my inspiration in drought, and my motivation shattered. My mind filled with anxiety and helpless puny tasks of work. My values in inspiration and creativity has turned black and white. Where I usually talk about ideas, dreams and hope in every interaction I could previously with my peers, is something that I never had the chance in my current workplace.

I have no one to blame except myself, I cannot fit in because I feel too different. I have no one that have the same wavelength as I do. Not even the same background or interest. Nothing would inspire me or spark my interest. Was my threshold on excitement too high? Or was it something else? I don’t feel I am being myself. I don’t feel I am Ally who loves to read and write. It used to bring me fun and joy in writing, my mind was fresh and active. I am slowly becoming emotionless and slowly turning into a robot.

I want it back. The joy and freedom of writing. The most time I feel so alive. I want to feel alive. Not this lazy unmotivated soul.

What about today?

I forced myself today. To write and look upon this wonderful community that I miss so much. Fellow friends and writers that staying strong. They keep on going. I realized that I have become those who suddenly out of radar and fades away, eroded by time.

I forced myself to listen my favorite piano playlist in Spotify – Piano in the background. No singing except melodious sound from a piano with various theme. This is the playlist that made me feel in the moment, a playlist that resonate to this heart of mine. Unknowingly, my eyes teary and I can’t help myself to sniffle.

I realized that writing and the blogging community is in a distant past. I don’t really know why I feel that way. By just thinking about it made me miss it so much. Even to write all this feels like I am reminiscing something that I have lost.

Where I am now?

I am drifting in space where I can’t reach anywhere without supply. I need my inspiration and motivation. I need the fun and excitement. I need the interaction of dream and hopes. I need to be Ally. A person who inspires and full of motivation. A person who is so passionate about writing that will poke a bit of sense to the one who reads. A person who writes silly and comedic poems.

I don’t want to float too long or I feel like I will lose myself more. I will lose Ally more.

Ally’s Thoughts: Million Yen Women (2017)

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Source: Music Knob

Hi everyone,

I have been sinfully binge-ing Netflix lately and for the record, today I just completed watching a Japanese drama with the above title. I was definitely hooked as I went through all 12 episodes from my lunch break until I reached home.

What is Million Yen Women all about?

A frustrated writer has arranged his home for 5 mysterious women, who all pay him a million yen as rent. What is the story behind this unusual arrangement? – IMDB

I was interested with the drama was because of the word ‘writer’ on the synopsis. I am sure we all know how it feels to feel frustrated when we could not write anything on the paper or screen in front of us. Plus, I am the type who would be so attracted to comedy, I decided to give this drama a go.

By the end of the last episode, I have come to a conclusion, this is a great and powerful drama! The drama filled with emotions and some can be so intense that it made me restless. I am proud to give this drama a 5 Stars rating.

However, I am not going to review any further about the drama. Simply because Ally’s Thoughts was never meant to be about reviews. It is all about the value or something that I want to talk about inspired by the dramas or movies I have watched.

The point or issue I want to talk about is:

Will you be able to forgive yourself?

In the drama, the main character’s father has murdered his own wife and the person who has an affair with the wife. The father also killed a policeman who was trying to stopped him. The father was sentenced to death for his crime.

To make things worst, the story progressed and Shin, the main character, came to a point where he prefer to be alone. In hope not to lose the things or the person he loved. His life was filled with tragedies and he blamed himself for it. He told himself, things would have changed if he could realized things earlier. It was too late for him and decided to live in seclusion.

This is the part that to me can happen to anyone, the part where we can’t stop blaming ourselves for the things that happened. Personally, I understand how it feels. For someone who did so many things before, we are bound to made one or two mistakes and some of them left us with deep scars. The more we think about it, the more we made things hard for ourselves.

The scars became a big alert warning whenever we want to move on. Basically, we will start to hear, I don’t want to repeat the same mistake, I am too afraid to try because I have failed before, I don’t want to take the chance and so on. We are so afraid to take that leap of faith and we keep on blaming ourselves.

To be extremely honest, sometimes I am trapped in that situation. It is very hard to forgive myself over the things I have done. Be it small or big. If you ask me, how did you managed it? My answer is simple, what else do you have? The only things that I have is time and chances. As long as I am breathing, I was given the chance to atone or correct my mistakes.

What about you? How do you forgive yourself?

Here is the trailer for the drama  if you are interested.

I am sorry for horrendous grammatical and spelling errors in this post. I basically came home and binged on the drama. Then, instantly I wrote all the things here with the absent of a straight and sharp brain.

There are actually other perspectives that I want to talk about in the drama. Not today! said my brain.

Until next time!

Ally’s Thoughts: A Year at Work

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Hi everyone!

A year ago, I was accepted to work in a company after four months of relaxing at home being unemployed. I spent my time writing poetry, exploring things, watching movies and chilling at home.

As time passed, my workload started to swamp my schedule, more and more responsibilities and project initiatives were tasked to me compared to my ‘honeymoon period’ which my boss told me.

It’s no longer about doing work for the company but be a part of the team and company. So many things happened after a year working and perhaps I can be somewhat more useful and resourceful.

DO I LOVE MY JOB?

Even after a year, I always feel that I still need some adjustment. I learned to do new things and facing different challenges almost everyday. I do feel like I am looking forward to learn new things. On a different side, I just feel like doing the job because it is my job. At least I can earn right now. Overall, I have no complaints.

I have a dream and I am really doing my best to achieve it. I plan to retire at 40 and already set up to become a property investor. The only way to achieve that right now is to keep on performing in the company and work like crazy.

AM I STILL WRITING?

To be honest I am having a hard time to write. Its like I don’t have time or I don’t know what to write. Even getting an opening line was such a difficult task to do. Not even the slightest theme inside my head. I don’t really have the time to read my precious books too.

Anyway, that’s just some updates. I’m sorry for not being able to write constantly. Too many stuff is going on and I feel like having my brain chewed by the pressure.

Ally’s Thoughts: When We First Met (2018)

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Source: Listal

Hi everyone!

To be honest with you guys, I don’t remember the last time I went to the cinema. Previously, I would watch new movies every week. As for now, I’m not that active anymore. However, I spent my weekend watching movies on Netflix. Yes, I tried the free one month subscription. Mainly because I wanted to watch one Netflix original movie, When We First Met (2018).

I know some might say, this is just a typical romantic comedy with cliche plot… Do tell me what movies are not considered cliche nowadays. All I wanted to say is that, its all about how we enjoy watching it.

For those who are not familiar with my segments, this is not a movie review. This segment is my random thoughts about the movie. Usually I will talk about my experience discovering the values in the movie. Without further ado, lets get this thought of mine started.

The synopsis:

Noah spends the perfect first night with Avery, the girl of his dreams, but gets relegated to the friend zone. He spends the next three years wondering what went wrong – until he gets the unexpected chance to travel back in time and change that night – and his fate – over and over again.

Imagine this, you were given the ability or a chance to go back in time and do things that will fix the errors you made in the present time. You try to fix your relationship for example. However, whenever you changed something, things will changed in the future as well. Whatever you do come with consequences or so called the butterfly effect.

I believe we all experienced this before, ‘If only I can turn back time and do this…’ thinking when we regret or unsatisfied about something that happened. I have been in that kind of situation countless of time. However, I would just take a deep breath and accept it and move on.

I have a firm believe on things happened for a reason or more. I don’t believe in coincidence. It’s just which perspective I would look when something happened. No matter how bad things are, we don’t have the superpower or the capabilities to turn back time. For us, time just move forward without waiting us. If we get left behind, we will be left behind.

Simple way to put it, if you spent your young days doing meaningless things and that realization came very late to you, you can never get back the youth you had. All you have now, is the coming old days. Whats worst is when you started to regret without the strength to move on.

I know how tough it can be… especially when the things that happened was really heavy. You feel that the world fall on you and you can’t get up at all. The first person that can help you is yourself and not the first person to reach their hand to you. To me, if someone reach their hand to help you but you don’t want to help yourself, things will be hard and might now work out.

It is important for you to find the strength to help yourself first and only then you will be able to appreciate more the helps and supports from others.