Sorry for the long absent. I don’t even know what am I experiencing right now. Am I having relapses, non-stop anxieties, living in survival mode, or trying too hard to escape reality.
To share how and what I feel, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling for or from what, I’m not sure. Not at the moment. I wonder if I am in fight or flight mode. Maybe my depression is creeping on me harder than before. Is it depression or something that I am used to? I don’t know. All I know is like I am living a double life, one trying too hard to survive and the other one, already giving up the fight.
Perhaps, I’ve been overthinking. To the extent when simple things feels huge and difficult. I really don’t know. I don’t feel sad but beyond it. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to express. I feel like an empty vessel, soulless. I remember when I always am associated with the word lifeless. It somehow stays and still relevant, to this day.
I have forgotten the feeling of happiness, excitement, and hope. Mostly reality hits differently and being merciless. Too much thinking, too tiring. The thought of living overshadowed by the crushing struggle. Shrouded by loneliness is like a wound that never heal. I’ve written things down in my book, lashing it out in this space.
I hope you are doing well and I wish you all the best to go through any difficulties in your life. I recently watched The Haunting of Hill House, a Netflix horror series. I am not a fan of horror. When I saw the trailers years ago, I couldn’t really brace myself to watch it.
However, after I’ve watched You season three, I need to fill that void of watching Victoria Pedretti. It’s just this strong admiration to see her bringing these characters to life. If you missed my thoughts about You season three, you can find the link here.
So, I decided to watch the series and I’m pretty much beaten and drained. As usual, I’m not going to talk about how good or bad the series is, this is not a review. It’s just a way for me to share my thoughts on certain aspects of it. If you haven’t watch it, there might be spoilers. So, read on with cautions. You are warned.
It’s sad. Just sad.
If not for all the jump scares, I might forget about it being a horror series. Throughout the series, I am mostly weeping, thinking, and sadness filling my chest. It’s unthinkable how traumatic experiences would affect people growing up. I can’t help to be able to relate. The show highlighted it really well.
Adding it up the sadness, the characters are misunderstood, denied of their feeling, and struggling with their own problems. Sometimes, it is more than what we can handle alone, we need supports. It reminded me of my own fragility, as a human. Throughout each episodes, the conflicts of the characters slowly creeps into my mind.
I’m having critical thoughts when it comes to family. We are not perfect and have flaws but that shouldn’t be the reason to not try. To have a family is like building a house, foundation, pillars, walls, and roof. The bare minimum and basic properties. Then, the electricity, water, and gas. Followed by the paint, wallpapers, decorations, and furniture. Everything build by time. Slowly, improved. Renovations.
If we really love the house, we would try to work on it. Until a time that we know well, when to leave. The parent tried so hard to build a strong foundation for their kids. However, due to the circumstances, the kids grew up and go on their separate ways. The bond and connection changed and things didn’t get better until it was too late.
This post have been in my draft for weeks now. I’ve watched Bly during that time. However, I’m not really keen on writing about it because, I don’t have anything that I want to highlight.
How are you? I hope you are doing well. I know I’m not really doing well but I am working my way. Few hours ago, I have watched the season three of You. It is a Netflix series that I’ve started to watch last year. I even made a post about it. I’ll leave the link to the first post down below.
Did I skipped writing about season two? Yes. I feel like season one and two have a strong resemblance while trying to tie all the lose ends. So, nothing really strikes me to write something down. However, season three for me is something really refreshing and a theme on its own.
Before I go even further, spoilers alert and as always, my thoughts are not about how the series is good or bad. It is just some personal thoughts that I feel I really want to share when I watched it. Again, if you haven’t watch the series, just skip this post.
I was anxious, yet excited!
Not even ten minutes into the first episode, I was so anxious about the whole situation they were into. Can they really be a normal couple? I can’t help to think who would be the casualty in the series. I couldn’t stop thinking about body counts… I am referring to the dead bodies throughout the series. Every single time the series introduced a new character, the thought on my head is… will this character die? Will this one get killed? It is constantly in my mind.
However, I really love the progress of Joe and Love are making. Both of them are crazy but I really love the dynamic between the two of them. Out of all the ‘You’ Joe had, I really love, Love Quinn character. I believe she is a strong and capable woman. If her character develops beyond the story and things really get together, she will be super successful. Plus, the actress, Victoria Pedretti instantly becomes my celebrity crush. Okay, back to the series.
Marriage scares me.
I know that Joe and Love have their own twisted personalities. Both of them came from different background growing up with traumas that defined their adulthood. I can see where they are coming from, their obsessiveness, overprotectiveness, impulsiveness, and all the values that led them to where they are. I kind of understand the flaws inside of me. I really believe that I am not perfect and I made mistakes and probably will too in the future.
Being alone is about me having to deal with all these by myself. However, some things can be a long stretch battle and I don’t know if I am capable to heal or get over it one day. Imagine having so much issues and trying to get through it is hard. Now, add another person. Some people probably overcome and able to handle things. What if I don’t?
I do believe in the process of healing. I do believe that people can get better. If only they want to go through it together and be a team. It’s not that I don’t believe in it, I just have so many doubts in me right now.
Expectation and happiness.
I recently joined a course in Coursera called The Science of Well-Being and one of the topic in discussion was how we think we will be happier with expectation. When we expect to find a job making certain amount per year would make us happy, but it only make us happy a little bit or not at all.
Joe and Love have their own definition of being a perfect parent. Despite both of them have a dark history and personalities. They carries different value in themselves. Somehow, thing went the opposite. Both only sees their own values and belief while tiptoeing among each other.
They tried to improve their relationship but the moment they saw different things, it went south.
It saddened me.
The finale saddened me. I really love the dynamic between Joe and Love. I was running different scenarios in my head on how the season would end. It’s either one of them died. Or both of them survived. Personally, I would love to see them on the run and somehow managed to kill the whole town if necessary. That would certainly be a plot that I want to see. But, that wouldn’t fit the title and the original storyline.
So, I am open for fan-fic at this moment. Overall, I really love the series. It’s really heartbreaking to see the ending. It’s really hard to see a happy ending in such dark and grim series.
Can I find a partner to be on my team?
I learned that life is a long journey as long as I’m still breathing. There are many encounters, mistakes, lessons and everything that will help me grow. I understand that well. I’ve seen so many people found new beginnings after some things ended.
I don’t believe in perfection but I believe in contentment. Perfect is just a façade to cover my own weaknesses. I’m not looking for perfection but willingness. What do you think?
That’s all for now. I hope you enjoy reading it. It’s been raining here and I just feel like sleeping the whole day. Welcome Monsoon season.
I hope you are doing well and healthy. There is a topic in my mind that have been poking me to write it down. Earlier, there was this conversation between someone that is close with a relative. The topic was about me, and this person couldn’t really explain well what I do.
I felt the heaviness in my chest after my brain decided to process the conversation. It made me remember all the things I thought I have forgotten. The childhood that made me this way. The respond and conversation that I made me feel denied of everything.
A friend shared this post from Instagram and I can’t help to feel overwhelmed.
The post hits me close. Imagine after all those years, and some of us are really struggling to open up. Is it mendable? Is it possible to even have this trust again? The scenario that running through my head is how heartbreaking it would be to them for not opening up. Worse when we told them that we don’t really trust them and how the connection is not as close as they think. The thoughts of, how ungrateful I could be!
What kind of feeling that have been stirring inside me? The thought of being torn and unable to feel anything around them and the feel that I am faking everything messed me up. It feels a lot more horrible when others could understand you better.
I think this thought of loneliness not only came from being alone but from the people around you that don’t understand you. They denied your thoughts and concerns for a long time. And when the time really comes, you rather keep it silent.
The song Headlights by Eminem feat Nate Ruess was so relatable and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I’m unable to really deliver the words in my head and I only feel like writing this much. Sorry for the bad words, sentences, or grammar. I really just want to write my thoughts down so much. At least to feel a little bit lighter.
I wish to all Malaysian, a Happy 64th Independence Day, or Merdeka Day. In the spirit of fighting the pandemic, the theme is carried from last year, Malaysia Prihatin meaning Malaysia Cares. It does fit us in this challenging time during the pandemic including the political instability.
There have been plenty of things happened and I am sure that all Malaysians experienced it. Ever since we had our first lockdown, selfish actions by some politicians, economic disasters, and of course the loss of souls from Covid-19. In this post, I feel the urge to share my thoughts also known as venting out. I believe that as a citizen, there is nothing wrong for me to express my feeling, to share dissatisfactions.
I do have a lot to write on but it will probably turned out to be lengthy and uninteresting for other to read. I will just write based on a topic that I want to highlight.
Malaysia Prihatin, or Malaysia Cares.
In the place where I live, the lockdown have been imposed for more than 500 hundred days. I live in a state that contributes the highest Covid-19 cases nationally. While there are some softer restrictions earlier, it turned worst after Malaysia struggling with the 3rd waves of the pandemic. I mostly ended up staying home and only go out to buy necessary groceries. I am sure I am not alone to feel extremely exhausted because of it.
During this pandemic, I submitted to my depression, I withdraw from projects, I lost some relatives, and likely to worsen my mental health. While that is from my perspective, there are others that are less fortunate. It is in the news every single day. Some loses their source of income, some struggling to have basic necessities, and some loses a lot more.
Fortunately, Malaysians can be helpful and generous towards each other. While we are made of different culture and races, being supportive is a trait that we shares together. It was shown by the #BenderaPutih movement. It was amazing to see how willing and able for us to help each other.
What disgusts me was when some politicians belittled the movement. It was unnecessary and showed lack of empathy, plus the big disparity between reality from the so called ‘elite’ perspective. My obvious impression is yes, we the struggling citizen can relate and believe in Malaysia Prihatin. It doesn’t seem the case for such elits in Malaysia. They don’t care.
The real Malaysians
As I grew up, and already starting my 3-series journey this year, I met with a lot of people. I dare to say this, the real Malaysians will never judge each other based on races. Why? Simply because it doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be judgmental towards other races? For me, it is all based on individual. No one would like to be band together for something that they are not.
I can see clearly how great unity is during this pandemic. I can see the eagerness from real Malaysians to help each other. I see them as the real Malaysians. I believe that as time move forward, we will become better.
And to the crooks and selfish politicians, Malaysians rallied together to help each other during this pandemic. While you were busy playing chess to gain power, you sidelined us to make us suffer. I believe that the younger generations are ready to change the landscape of the archaic political games.
The next 10 years will be something I am looking forward to. As a responsible citizen, I voted in elections ever since I met the age requirements. Things already changing and it was proven by the last general election. While things became unstable after that, I consider it as the inevitable change that will echo louder later.
I wish nothing else but to see better leaders in the future. Simply because, I might live through that future.
I hope you are staying safe and healthy. We are still in the pandemic and affecting our lives more or less. It sure hit me hard especially on my mental health.
On this post, I want to share my on how the things going on around me affected me so much. Some of the things happened directly, some I came across my social media feeds. I wish to add some trigger warnings that may affect you.
The Numbing Days
Ever since the year started, I’ve lost few relatives. Some from cancer, COVID, and other reason. It affected my mood and I don’t even have the time to reconcile with my own feeling and emotions. I only choose to suppress the thoughts and keep on going. I started to burn out and depression kicks in quickly. To add the numbness, I had to manage some of the death directly because of unavoidable circumstances.
Some of them, I had been helping to take care while they were bed ridden. Yesterday they were still breathing, they were gone the next day. To be a part of the process is overwhelming too. From the moment they took their last breath, calling the ambulance, making police report, then, to the burial ground. Some were a bit of hassle, especially in hospital. Some with lack of proper documentations, costly procedures, and time consuming.
Even after everything is completed, its probably just the first part. I am still not able to reflect on the things going on and keep on moving while ignoring the pain inside me.
Lack of Happiness
During this long lockdown in Malaysia, my days are mostly spent at home with pending work. Adding and piling up anxieties. I am torn between work and lack of motivation. I need my time and space. While I am able to go out to buy groceries, it doesn’t feel the same.
I am used to find my joy outside. I’m used to take long commute from home to work. I want to be on the train. I want to take long walk among the crowd. I want to sit and have my food in a restaurant. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone because I am enjoying it.
I did find distractions but it was not enough. I’m not sure what count as being happy when I spent most of the time feeling nothing. Then came the creeping feeling of being overwhelmed and the urge to curl then cry. It’s on repeat. What’s worst is when the environment lead to another trigger that ruined my day. Ruined my mood. Only to crush me down and decapitate me emotionally.
Every time I’m on social media, the world feels like getting worst. People losing their lives, loved ones, jobs, health, and home. Their livelihood destroyed. The war. The wrath of mother nature. The incompetent leaders. I can only help as much. I can only do as much. I wish I can do more.
The thoughts of other suffered more paralyzed me. The thoughts that others are struggling aching me. The thoughts of others losing their loved one shook me. It can happen to me too. The urge to keep on trying and moving forward stunted me. Especially in this state of mine.
The truth is…
I am tired. I am given up. I don’t want to feel this discomfort. I am tired to reevaluate my life again. The dark thoughts haunting me is probably regret of not doing things sooner. Will I be regretting it again for the next few years? I don’t have the answer for it now.
I don’t even know what I want now. I only have the urge to sleep and forget. I don’t want to continue. Yet, what keeps me going? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it cowardice?
The only thing I’m sure of is, I am tired. I am exhausted.
I just watched a wholesome kind of movie in YouTube and I felt the urgency to share it immediately about the experience here.
Currently in Malaysia, the Covid-19 daily cases rate have been breaking the new high for the past few weeks. According to statistic, our daily cases are higher compared to India per capita. For a country with around 32 million people, it is alarming and scary too. Moreover, the vaccination rate is considered slow as well.
While being in this indefinite lockdown for more than a year now, while the economy sector are not in total halt, it is just too risky to go out. So, I spent most of my indoor time, watching TV and consuming content like I never before. Plus, my anxiety and stress is building up. In short, I am really stressed out over the situation right now.
As usual, the Ally’s Thoughts series are about my thoughts on certain theme or values in the movie that I feel like sharing. Trust me, no spoiler most of it.
Back to You (2019)
While browsing YouTube, I stumbled upon this movie. It is a family theme movie about a daughter being adopted and raised by a different cultural background family. 28 years later, her biological mother tried to connect with the daughter.
I would describe the experience watching the movie, a wholesome one. The bond of family valued so much throughout the movie especially the bond between a mother and her daughter. The movie did a great justice by showing the bond between her biological mother and adopted mother.
The movie brought me to an emotional ride of roller coaster through and through. I can’t help to feel the mixed emotions and getting sweep away by the pace. Similar to life, on how we can be excited today, then feeling down and disappointed on the next day.
The Malaysian Background
Apart from the heart capturing values expressed in the movie, I am impressed and satisfied with the amazing potrayal of cultural background in the movie. Malaysia has been known as a multiracial and multicultural country. It has been like this for centuries long before the colonialism. Thanks to being one of the most rich and flourishing kingdom controlling the Malacca Strait in the 15th century.
History asides, I believe as a Malaysian, it is always important to understand how living together in harmony is the great recipe to build a strong and stable nation. We respect each other, being kind towards each other, and we know our differences are the things made us closer.
I believe I am able to appreciate it because of the experience I had growing up. I am exposed to the differences early compared to some people I know. I had my pre-school in a mix environment. Then I went to mix public primary and secondary school as well. I learned more about the differences from my friends. It still continues after I get into work. I somehow enjoyed being surrounded by this differences and it helps me to think, it is a waste for the younger generations that missed such experience.
I personally conclude that, some people out there that being judgmental about other races in Malaysia are just people with less exposure and experience. Take our counterpart in East Malaysia, how harmonious Sabah and Sarawak people can be together amid the differences. It doesn’t matter which races they are from, we are all human and our environment and upbringing shapes us individually.
I am deeply moved on how the movie concludes. It doesn’t matter if the child was born Chinese and then raised like a Malay. Ultimately being a human with virtues are much more important. The will to understand each other is a great effort. What ever walls came between should be taken down and to be celebrated together.
Never let stereotypes, bad actors and political agendas divides us. Because I know too well, I am not the only person in Malaysia that believes in the harmony that we have right now. It is just the matter of believe and making things work for a better future.
And I believe that Malaysia can be a great example to the whole world what is multicultural unity is all about.
If you are reading this, I want to thank you so much. As much as I want to write for myself, I can’t help to feel grateful to all of you. You have touched my life with the likes and comments. Again, thank you.
A year ago, on 9th May 2020, I lost a fellow friend that I knew from WordPress. Her passing was sudden and I texted her a day before. Her blog mostly talks about her life, the struggles, the pain, the loss of her mom. While her friends managed her Instagram account, her blog still exists. Adding to this emotional remembrance was her final post. A poem with the title Gone.
In the end, I am just and will be a memory. In yours I hope.
I can’t help to feel the pain in her words. I hope I am not the only one feels it too. May you rest in peace, friend.
Today, I searched through my comments section and realized some of you went missing too. Some of you returned. I can’t help to think about it at the back of my mind. Are you alright? Did something happened? Did you take a break for yourself? Will you come back?
The pandemic made it worst for some of us. I hope you are not overworking yourself. I hope you take a little rest too. I might sounds selfish, that is probably true. If you are willing to trust me, taking a break is necessary. Especially in our journey in life. Don’t blame yourself for it, you deserve it. We all deserves a break before we proceed to keep on going forward.
Even I had to take a break. Some times can be painful and I can’t bring myself to get up. It’s just that I realized that to feel alive is when we struggle for it. Moreover, I believe in the lessons in each speed bumps I have to go through. I hope you do too.
I think that is all for now. I hope you are doing well and take care of yourself. Please take a break when you have to! Stay safe and until next time.
Write Ally! Write! is celebrating 5th Anniversary with WordPress! To be honest, I am happy to be here and keep things going. 5 years sounds fairly new but after all the ups and down between life and writing, it feels a long time ago.
So, what about some updates?
Ever since the Covid-19 pandemic, I have been spending time work-from-home (WFH). I gained weight. Plus, I think I spent too much on online shopping and food delivery services.
My mental health? Well, I think I’m getting better in managing myself. My doctor still wants me to continue medication and see how things are going for the next few months.
I have few things in mind especially for a new book. I might consider if I have the right motivation to proceed. Plus, I finally get rid of the .wordpress and get a domain name. Might as well utilize everything.
Staying too much at home really creeps me. I can’t help to feel lonely and wanting to talk to someone. The problem is… being someone reserved can be dreadful too. I want to share the things that dwell inside me but I want to share it to someone that would really care. That person is still yet to arrive.
That’s all for now. Hope you all are doing well and stay safe!
I hope my friends and readers are doing well and staying safe.
I haven’t been writing much on my thoughts, I don’t even know why. It’s not that I don’t have any opinions or thoughts on anything. It’s just that in some days, some thoughts are better left unsaid. That was for the best.
However, today on the 21st February 2021, a supposed special day with a unique date. I really want to express this gratitude of mine towards the creative community. Yes, you are one of them!
Recently, I can’t help to look back where I am now compared to where I was years ago. Before I had my WordPress site, during my build up phase, and the present. I realized how big the creative community impacted myself in motivation and building myself.
You are my main inspiration, each and everyone of you. Your words, writings, thoughts, ideas, arts, and the endless creativity inspires me to find myself. You are talented, supportive, helpful, and kind too. I saw some of you struggled but keep on fighting. I realized some of you went missing but came back. I am honestly excited and happy when you published your books, completed your artwork, being sponsored, and achieve your goals.
No matter what, there will always someone read my posts. Yes, you did. Sometimes, you left me some comments. Thank you! You keep on supporting my site by reading, liking, and leaving a comment. You have been here since day one too! I do remember that you nominated me with countless of awards earlier, that really helps me here. You connected me with other wonderful and lovely souls in the community.
It is impossible for me to be here without you. I quit jobs, getting jobs, getting depressed, fighting through it, and finding myself in the weirdest place. I whine here, I ranted here, I expressed here, and all my pasts are here. I will find myself to be here, even in the future. No matter how tossed I was, how wrecked I would be, or how beautiful my life could be. To be here with the community is a place that I could never found if I didn’t take the first step. I am not leaving, will always be here together with you.
The one that left
Last year, a dear friend left us. A young talented writer passed away. While her social media was handled and managed by her friends, her WordPress still exists. I think her friends couldn’t retrieve her credentials on that matter. May her soul find peace and blessing.
It made me realized if some other writers in the same situation. They didn’t come back because they are no longer here. The thought creeps on me and made me sad. I don’t know how many of you left, without even saying goodbye to us. I can only pray and hope that all is well. Even if it’s true, I can pray you will be in peace.
I believe in you!
If you feel lost and unmotivated, I won’t tell you to stop. Take a break and get some rest. Do it again when you are ready. If other people doesn’t tell you, let me tell this… I BELIEVE IN YOU! I believe in your words, your arts, your passion, your creativity, and the strength in you.
Keep on writing, creating, and don’t forget to give back to the community. There will always be someone new that starts their journey.
And please, do reach me on other social media platform.