Ally’s Thoughts: My poems are depressing

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Hi friends and fellow readers,

Yes, I know. I do write depressive poems. I believe it is simply because that is how I mostly feel all day. Some thoughts can be really intrusive. I rather pen the thoughts down than have to wrestle with them inside my head. It can be tiring and numbing as well.

What is a writer or a poet if they are not true to their feelings?

I recently went to a poetry exhibition called A Wasteland Of Malaysian Poetry. It is an audio exhibition of Malaysian poets across years and generations. They also have poetry reading sessions as well. Do you want to know how I feel when I listened to them? I feel disconnected. When they spoke about falling in love, having bad dates, and being heartbroken. I feel totally disconnected. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone has the right to express how they feel. Nothing wrong with them. More like, there is something wrong with me.

I am a heart that no longer beats,
Cold and pale like death,
Daydreaming to be the red,
Living and beating heart.

I did write about other things and some of them are not depressing. Sometimes. And if anyone gives me a prompt like love or happiness, I can write them down. I might drown myself the whole day listening to old-school love songs. Just to invoke the once-happy memories or the leftover of it I still have. Even so, the thoughts and walking down the feeling might sound superficial to me.

Don’t worry about me. I’m used to this kind of thoughts and feeling. I’m probably used to this somberness. There are times I have so many thoughts yet little words to say. Maybe, it’s better to say nothing at all.

Not until now

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I wish to believe it,
All the things they said about us,
How we look perfect for each other,
We mirror each other,
We look so close like brother and sister,

Everything was sweet and beautiful,
Until the day broke us apart,
Drifted far away from each other,
Never to see each other again,
And that was the end for both of us,

The first year was unbearable,
Not a single small thing,
Would not remind me of you,
The interest that we shared,
To the silliest annoying stuff,
That we hate,

There are so many,
I wish I can forget,
But the wanting itself,
Is an obvious lie,
Not until now,

This piece has been stuck in my drafts for months. I can’t even remember when I wrote it and what was the emotions or ideas behind it. Probably came from a bad day of mine.

To live and to will.

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In most days,
I cried,
I laughed,
I tried,
To keep on going,
And staying alive,

I just want to survive,
For things on my table,
Something for today,
A little bit for tomorrow,

I just want clarity,
For my mind and soul,
Far from the elements,
That eating me inside out,

I just want to heal,
To live and to will.

About trying to live another day.

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If you do wonder about the reason,
Of me not writing, love related poem,
Or even about the painful break up,
Is simply because those are distant things,

I’ve forgotten about love or being love,
I’ve forgotten about how my heart breaks,

I only remember how to survive,
About trying to live another day.

And I want to heal.

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I wish I could say,
The things that I need to,
So I can stay away,
From the harms that dragging me down,

Explain to me,
Why some nights are killing me,
From all the struggles,
And all this pain,

I do want to laugh,
To feel the lightness,
Laughing my life away,
Without the stare from the darkness,

Let me feel the breeze,
And the warmth of love,
I still want to believe,
And I want to heal.