How would I describe this feeling eating inside of me?

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How would I describe this feeling eating inside of me?
Would it be better if everything is plain and numb?
I experience too much and I feel too much,
But I’m just living like a human should be,

Every time I think about all the things eating me up,
I just want to slow down and lie down for the rest of my life,
What is this phase in my life that I have to go through?
I don’t believe that I still have the strength to go on,

My therapist said that I’m not alone,
Yet, this is too hard,
Yet, this is too tiring,
I can only say all these in lines,

As much as I have to admit,
I’ve been holding on to something called hope,
Why does this hope come with pain?
And all the struggle that came down with it?

There is no answer for me,
All I can do now is to let it be.

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And a night I’m not sorry

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As midnight starts to rise,
I rise from my bed to dance,
An unholy dance of grace,
Only to the fallen soul of menace,

My hand moves in motion,
To feel the cold sensation,
As the wind scraps my passion,
As my hand raised for the moon,

My feet tap the floor in frenzy,
Jumping all around like I’m crazy,
It’s not crazy but an expressive merry,
And a night I’m not sorry.

It was never mine

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The universe was kind to me today,
It showed me a good sign,
That sent me to the deepest layer,
Of heartbreak and despair,

Mostly needed pain,
Waking me up from my dream,
With violence and brutality,
It was never mine.

Have you said something nice to yourself today?

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Have you said something nice to yourself today?
On how you managed to wake up,
You stepped outside the house,
And you noticed how blue the sky was,

You deserved a compliment to yourself,
You walked a path of yours alone,
You don’t have to wait for others,
Because you’ve been the first to be there, always.

My belief is that uncertainty

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My belief is that uncertainty,
Needs to be answered,
To be the truth,
To be certain,

Then, I realized that,
Uncertainty only lies,
On the eye of the person,
Who believe in uncertainty,

Like two people separated by a mountain,
Wondering what is on the other side,
Both can only see as far,
From where they are,

And this uncertainty to me,
Made me want to climb the mountain,
And see everything for myself,
Because that is the most common thing to do.

And some are the words you don’t want to hear

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Dear self,
No one knows the burden you carry inside you,
No one else understand how heavy and tiring it was,
No one else except you, yourself,

Dear self,
I know there are so many words,
You want to put out there,
And some are the words you don’t want to hear.

I’m still waiting for you

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Will you fall for me,
With all my stupid jokes,
Will you fall for me,
When all I have now is hope,

If you really will,
Let me tell you this,
I will always love you,
Be the last in your life too,

Even when the world is ending,
Even if your life is in ruin,
You’ll see me beside you,
Holding your hand to guide you,

If you really will,
You’ll never be alone,
If you call me,
I’ll be home,

Will you fall for me now,
I’m still waiting for you.

What is my biggest fear?

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What is my biggest fear?
I don’t have any,
I’m not fearless nor I’m brave,
I can get anxious, I do fear,
But the biggest is something I don’t have,

I learn not to have any expectations,
Not because I fear the worst,
Nor because I don’t want to be let down,
I learn to experience,
To enjoy the moment even in pain,

If there is a hungry tiger,
Yes, I will be in fear,
But living that moment,
It is either I’ll be their dinner,
Or I survived, harmed or unharmed,

The biggest fear isn’t happening,
Until it happened and when it happened,
It’s a reality and all I have to do is,
To experience it and live for today,
Not to mope about yesterday, or anxious about tomorrow.

A chest of junk

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I’m here writing word by word,
To translate or interpret thoughts,
Of my own, that none can hear,
Like opening a chest filled with junk,

Getting through it is difficult,
Like navigating the vast sea,
With a small ship powered by the wind,
Relying on the stars on a cloudy night,

What made it so hard,
To write down the thoughts I own,
A chest of junk filled with conflicts,
Yet, it’s been there ever since.

What should I do?

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What should I do?
When I close my eyes,
I see you smiling,
I see your excitement,
I feel your passion,
I feel your radiating presence,

What should I do?
When I open my eyes,
You are no longer there,
Only fragments of your remain,
Only the traces of your passion lingers,
Only the coldness of your presence exists,

If there is anything I can do,
Is to pray for a glimpse of hope,
So I will have the chance,
Embracing your presence for eternity.