Not until now

~ Ally L. ~ Leave a comment
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I wish to believe it,
All the things they said about us,
How we look perfect for each other,
We mirror each other,
We look so close like brother and sister,

Everything was sweet and beautiful,
Until the day broke us apart,
Drifted far away from each other,
Never to see each other again,
And that was the end for both of us,

The first year was unbearable,
Not a single small thing,
Would not remind me of you,
The interest that we shared,
To the silliest annoying stuff,
That we hate,

There are so many,
I wish I can forget,
But the wanting itself,
Is an obvious lie,
Not until now,

This piece has been stuck in my drafts for months. I can’t even remember when I wrote it and what was the emotions or ideas behind it. Probably came from a bad day of mine.

Ally’s Thoughts: It’s difficult because we don’t share the same values

~ Ally L. ~ Leave a comment
Photo by Paweu0142 L. on Pexels.com

Have you been in a situation where you don’t think things will work out because of the differences in values?

I’ve been wanting to share about this for the past few weeks but I couldn’t decide on how to share it. The word value also means principles or the thing we think is important in life. If we think love is important, love is a value in our life. If we think money is far more important, we hold money as valuable and a priority in our life. Those are just examples.

What if a couple doesn’t share the same values? What if a family has different ideas on the values that matter? What if the company’s value is totally different from that of its employees? It is a mismatch and will hinder their situation, trust, and growth.

Of course, a solution or a compromise is the next step forward. However, before taking that next step, the current step is to understand what kind of values that we believe in.

I personally, can be really particular about the things I get myself involved on something. Be it personal, networking, or career-wise.

I was in such a situation recently and I feel tormented for the inability to share about it. Imagine working on a project that you are so uncomfortable with. It was not the tasks, colleagues, or the bosses but the whole idea of the project. A project that focuses on great values but personally to me, it is against mine. Don’t get me wrong, I do support the project but to be personally involved in it, stirs the guilts and pressure inside me.

A mismatch.

To live and to will.

~ Ally L. ~ 3 Comments
Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

In most days,
I cried,
I laughed,
I tried,
To keep on going,
And staying alive,

I just want to survive,
For things on my table,
Something for today,
A little bit for tomorrow,

I just want clarity,
For my mind and soul,
Far from the elements,
That eating me inside out,

I just want to heal,
To live and to will.

Ally’s Thoughts: A Note 13422

~ Ally L. ~ 3 Comments
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Dear friends and readers,

Sorry for the long absent. I don’t even know what am I experiencing right now. Am I having relapses, non-stop anxieties, living in survival mode, or trying too hard to escape reality.

To share how and what I feel, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling for or from what, I’m not sure. Not at the moment. I wonder if I am in fight or flight mode. Maybe my depression is creeping on me harder than before. Is it depression or something that I am used to? I don’t know. All I know is like I am living a double life, one trying too hard to survive and the other one, already giving up the fight.

Perhaps, I’ve been overthinking. To the extent when simple things feels huge and difficult. I really don’t know. I don’t feel sad but beyond it. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to express. I feel like an empty vessel, soulless. I remember when I always am associated with the word lifeless. It somehow stays and still relevant, to this day.

I have forgotten the feeling of happiness, excitement, and hope. Mostly reality hits differently and being merciless. Too much thinking, too tiring. The thought of living overshadowed by the crushing struggle. Shrouded by loneliness is like a wound that never heal. I’ve written things down in my book, lashing it out in this space.

About trying to live another day.

~ Ally L. ~ 4 Comments
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

If you do wonder about the reason,
Of me not writing, love related poem,
Or even about the painful break up,
Is simply because those are distant things,

I’ve forgotten about love or being love,
I’ve forgotten about how my heart breaks,

I only remember how to survive,
About trying to live another day.

And I want to heal.

~ Ally L. ~ 3 Comments
Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern on Pexels.com

I wish I could say,
The things that I need to,
So I can stay away,
From the harms that dragging me down,

Explain to me,
Why some nights are killing me,
From all the struggles,
And all this pain,

I do want to laugh,
To feel the lightness,
Laughing my life away,
Without the stare from the darkness,

Let me feel the breeze,
And the warmth of love,
I still want to believe,
And I want to heal.