Ally’s Thoughts: Everyone has problems, why yours any different?

Source: Giphy

Hi everyone,

I hope all of you are doing fine. Let me get straight to the point here.

We all have our problems, in fact, everybody else have problems. It is the truth and no one can deny that.

What makes us different is the tolerance we have when it comes to problem. For some people, they can be unfazed and probably getting excited and felt challenged when facing problems. Some on the other hand may feel its the end of the world.

I’m sure for those who is in stress or depression heard this many times.

“You are lucky, there are others out there are more unfortunate.”

“Your problem is not that big, I have bigger problems.”

“Mine are much more complicated, yours are easy.”

In a certain perspective, its not wrong to say these. However, in a different perspective these are the least thing we want to hear from someone.

Everyone have problems and some find solutions, some did not. Being compared at that moment is just the last thing  some people wants to hear. It is not about who is the most pathetic or helpless. Are we being selfish for having problems and wanted someone to listen?

We just want someone to listen. We have something that we consider so big inside our chest and we want to pour it out. Sometimes, we felt stressed and depressed not from the problems that triggered our mind to act that way but the built up negativity after that. We want interaction, verbally and physically. We are being selfish and nothing is wrong with that. Our problems are just the catalysts but the accumulating feels of hopelessness what made our life much more suffocating.

I admit that having these ideas definitely putting myself a label, I am weak. I don’t doubt that. I am weak. That is why I am facing these unwanted moments. My mind is so vulnerable that I can’t look things brighter. This is not the first time I felt this way. That is for sure.

I’m sure we used to hear this phrase, “stop comparing yourself  with others, do things on your own pace…”

Isn’t it should be the same when we said we have our own problems. Don’t compare our problems with other people. We have different tolerance and resistance. Acknowledge our problems and accept it. Sometimes, we know that we can handle our problems easily but there will always be that doubt in ourselves.

In the end, what do we need?

 

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Ally’s Thoughts: Orange (2016)

Source: /www.amefuriblog.com.br

Hi everyone,

Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.

In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.

Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.

In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.

There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.

For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.

From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to  pick myself up.

Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.

Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.

I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.

In the end, I don’t know…

As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.

All the best!

On ridiculous decision

Source: Giphy

The beat of your heart,
Follows the rhythm,
That was lost,
And forgotten,
Nothing familiar,
Only senses of sanity,
And instinct,
Of being a human,
On ridiculous decision.

Lost before the time start

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

If I cry,
I choose to cry,
Falling deep even if I try,
Looking down and screaming why,
Endless bottom, will I die,

Shut up mind and voiceless thinking,
Trapped forever and be my own king,
A kingdom alone without anything,
Except darkness and self beating,

Will you see what I told you,
Understand what I want to do,
Leaving hope and hopeless too,
Left nothing but a single clue,

I don’t want to stop here,
Laying down and cannot hear,
I’m not deaf but covered in fear,
Face nothing hoping to disappear,

Oh life getting so complicated,
Even all this light far from vindicated,
No guilt left unintended,
I am no longer the one completed,

Now I am a faceless heart,
Lost before the time start.

Haiku: With bent umbrella.

Photo by Adrianna Calvo on Pexels.com

Green trees swaying slow,
Then come windy rain sorrow,
With bent umbrella.

Ally’s Thoughts: Losing Ally

Photo by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Where have I been?

A question that probably best suited in my current situation. I am spending my time working… except, I am not actually living. More like, I am wasting my time and pretty much dull and boring. I am hopeless, dreamless and unmotivated. Basically, I am walking with my head down and there are walls between me and real life.

Waking up at 6 am and sleep at 10 pm. I’m at work from 8:45 pm until 5.30 pm. I arrived at home around 8 pm or later if I have unfinished tasks. I live my life like a robot with the same schedule again and again. No fun or excitement. Nothing really happening to keep me going on forward like a rocket need its fuel.

Weekend feels too short. First blink it is Saturday and the second blink, its already Sunday. As I blink for the third time, I am back at work. Weekdays dragging myself anchoring me and set my eyes on the next weekend. Where I mostly at home doing nothing except binge-ing on Netflix content. Season by season.

Where it went  wrong?

My senses are dull, my words are dry, my inspiration in drought, and my motivation shattered. My mind filled with anxiety and helpless puny tasks of work. My values in inspiration and creativity has turned black and white. Where I usually talk about ideas, dreams and hope in every interaction I could previously with my peers, is something that I never had the chance in my current workplace.

I have no one to blame except myself, I cannot fit in because I feel too different. I have no one that have the same wavelength as I do. Not even the same background or interest. Nothing would inspire me or spark my interest. Was my threshold on excitement too high? Or was it something else? I don’t feel I am being myself. I don’t feel I am Ally who loves to read and write. It used to bring me fun and joy in writing, my mind was fresh and active. I am slowly becoming emotionless and slowly turning into a robot.

I want it back. The joy and freedom of writing. The most time I feel so alive. I want to feel alive. Not this lazy unmotivated soul.

What about today?

I forced myself today. To write and look upon this wonderful community that I miss so much. Fellow friends and writers that staying strong. They keep on going. I realized that I have become those who suddenly out of radar and fades away, eroded by time.

I forced myself to listen my favorite piano playlist in Spotify – Piano in the background. No singing except melodious sound from a piano with various theme. This is the playlist that made me feel in the moment, a playlist that resonate to this heart of mine. Unknowingly, my eyes teary and I can’t help myself to sniffle.

I realized that writing and the blogging community is in a distant past. I don’t really know why I feel that way. By just thinking about it made me miss it so much. Even to write all this feels like I am reminiscing something that I have lost.

Where I am now?

I am drifting in space where I can’t reach anywhere without supply. I need my inspiration and motivation. I need the fun and excitement. I need the interaction of dream and hopes. I need to be Ally. A person who inspires and full of motivation. A person who is so passionate about writing that will poke a bit of sense to the one who reads. A person who writes silly and comedic poems.

I don’t want to float too long or I feel like I will lose myself more. I will lose Ally more.

Inside this head of mine

Source: Pexels

There is a world,
Where suits people like me,
Filled with happiness,
That will make my heart jumps,
Like a free rabbit out in the open,
Running from one side to the other,
Safe from any predators,
Outside as much as the heart desire,

A world of fantasy,
Far from reality,
Inside this head of mine.