It is a reality, never a dream.

Photo by Krivec Ales on Pexels.com

NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo 2020

Day #1 Prompt

A daily life filled with white walls,
Without any spark of excitement,
Nor relaxation,
Or even a drop of inspiration,

A day I couldn’t ignore,
Brightening, brimming, blinding,
Numb and numbing,
Smirking snobby walls,

Such day like the drying stream,
As I closed and opened my eyes,
The white walls stands,
It is a reality, never a dream.

Ally’s Thoughts: Saying Goodbye to 2019

Photo by Kris Lucas on Pexels.com

Hi everyone,

We are here, in December and leaving 2019. The truth is, it was a really rough year for me. Too rough and I still try to stabilize the aftermath.

I want to share it here because I know that there are more out there having bad times, worst than mine.

After working for almost 2 years in a good place, I started to feel depressed. Early 2019, I got myself diagnosed and referred to a psychiatric clinic. Now, I’m under medication and having a new job.

For those who are struggling with mental illness, I hope you found the courage to break out from the void and get some help. Then, the real battle starts there because wanting to feel good and ‘normal’ is ridiculously hard.

It is hard to find someone you can trust, to share the things you are experiencing right now. Find the right channel and you are not alone.

Now, I am into 10 months under medication and I am still far away being healthy. However, slowly I feel my motivation is coming back. As I was going through all these, I realized so many things about my situation. It opened my eyes and I hope you will find it in your journey too.

Thank you very much for reading and visiting my site. I am sorry for neglecting my WordPress community with less posts and less visiting your sites. I am ashamed but I really feel good whenever I return here.

Wishing you all the best in the year 2020. May all of you receive great blessing and find success in the things you want to achieve. Happy New Year!

To pay

Photo by Samuel Wölfl on Pexels.com

I don’t know how to explain, Love,
A sweet four letter words,
With the ability to resonate,
Across barriers and borders,

As where I am now,
Been breathing and standing for years,
Walked in countless different paths,
And still understand nothing,

They said Love comes naturally,
From the parents to their children,
Continued to their partners,
Passed on to the next generation,

Where I couldn’t understand,
Both of them broke up,
Both of them are not in love,
All of them left me unconvinced,

Then the Trickster left me some letters,
How I can be somebody,
A trickster with tricks,
It lasted for a while with bad after tastes,

Next with a pure Angel in disguise,
Owned a throne in my desolate heart,
And left after a storm of pain and tears,
Along with shattered ruins,

I remembered well when Lust came,
Tempted me to a different world,
That I never knew exists,
Until it fades and turned everything grey,

Then Hope left me with commitment,
Being a devout in waiting,
Learn kindness and patience,
Through one sided rejections,

I was blown away by the Wind,
Trapped me in turbulence,
Left with the slow shivering blows,
And left my dwelling exposed,

Now, here I am,
Unsure where but lost for sure,
Again and again in a spiraling maelstrom,
Trapped in the high and low of tides,

Why I still stay,
All the way,
To pay.

Is a surrendering sigh

Source: YouTube

I couldn’t say a word,
Yet my mind are screaming,
I couldn’t feel a thing,
Yet the cold crawls on my skin,
I couldn’t let a tear,
Yet this heart ache and bleed,

The only sign of frustration,
Is a surrendering sigh.

“Where to eat for lunch?”

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Some days are crazy,
Some days are lazy,
Some days are pity,
Some days are maybe,

As I looked up,
Or down,
To the high blue sky,
Or to the low green ground,

I am still confused,
Filled of uncertainty,
Even if the world does not depend on me,
I still cannot figure it out,

“Where to eat for lunch?”

So, think better on what you can do

Source: Taste of Cinema

Have you looked outside the window?
Maybe the door or the house?
Far away from the shadow,
When the time stopped you can’t browse,

Then tell me,
How could you see the fortunate,
Or the unfortunate,
When your eyes shut and you always late,

Silly, that you can’t figure it out,
Then you taunt for a bout,
You act strong like a stout,
But my punches keeps you knocked out,

No, I am not really angry,
Just letting off steam and spare energy,
Plus all these words and creativity,
I can’t store them personally,

Life is harsh and everyone else too,
So, think better on what you can do,

Dalam diam gelap jiwaku terikat

Source: innocentstore.sk

Banyak yang nak aku luah,
Dari dulu sampai kini tiba,
Ada yang kecil, besar, shallow dan deep jua,
Tentang isu manusia, kucing, panda dan buaya,
Dari A sampai Z tapi aku buntu pada siapa,

Yang nak dengar bukan manusia,
Yang dengar bukan makhluk bernyawa,
Daripada kabus ilusi aku jampi jadi nyata,
Tiada yang akan menikam aku dalam dunia,

Suaraku bisu mulut ku terkunci rapat,
Tapi suara minda ku bergema kuat,
Lama kelamaan bayangan jadi hakikat,
Dalam diam gelap jiwaku terikat.

Ally’s Thoughts: To The World I Don’t Belong

Photo by amy chung on Pexels.com

Hi all,

Note that this is a post that has been in my draft since January. I was in a struggle with no chance of winning, well I was wrong. I haven’t win the war yet but the victory in the countless battles strengthened me.

Therefore, I am sharing this as a reminder for myself and to share how dreadful the feeling was at that time.

Thank you.

---

I think, this will be my last post. I am retiring, not as a writer but as a living breathing thing.

I have been struggling too long, too long that I don’t know why I’m still here. Too long that I don’t have any more reasons to reason with my inner self, “Why am I still here?”. I am too tired to argue again about it.

Family? No.

Friends? No.

Love? No.

Work? No.

Future? No.

Hell and eternal damnation? No.

It is too tough to keep going only to be hopeful and telling myself that everything going to be alright. Everything will eventually work out. No. It doesn’t work that way. The situation and surrounding is just too ridiculous. It is petty too.

My effort? I tried. Many times.

I learned to accept. Doesn’t work.

I learned to forgive. Doesn’t work.

I learned to love. Doesn’t work.

I learned to better person. Doesn’t work.

I learned to believe. Doesn’t work.

I learned to fear. Doesn’t work.

I learned to trust. Doesn’t work.

I learned to forget. Doesn’t work.

I learned too much that it drove me crazy.

Until the very end, my inner self still want to reason with me. I had enough. Too much conflict in my head and it is too tiring. Not to mention the conflicts outside my head.

I can’t function properly.

I can’t breath properly.

I can’t love properly.

I can’t live properly.

I can’t. I won’t.

I gave up. Too long… Too long…

For my last words, I am not apologizing. I want to say my gratitude for keeping me this long. I had wished for it since I was 10 and I never get it. I was not brave enough to take it myself. I envy the others who decide to do it. Thank you.

“I tried and I did not fail. I just stopped and took a long stop.”

---

 

Ally’s Thoughts: The Struggle With Depression

Source: innocentstore.sk

Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.

 

Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.

 

To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.

 

For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.

 

It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.

 

For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.

 

It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.

 

The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.

 

Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.

 

Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.

 

Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.

 

For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.

Than my own

Image from: http://www.pinterest.com

I can’t remember,
When I started counting,
The remaining days,
And hours,
Of my soul,
Yet I have forgotten,
Their breath was shorter,
Than my own.