Ally’s Thoughts: A Note 13422

Photo by Download a pic Donate a buck! ^ on

Dear friends and readers,

Sorry for the long absent. I don’t even know what am I experiencing right now. Am I having relapses, non-stop anxieties, living in survival mode, or trying too hard to escape reality.

To share how and what I feel, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling for or from what, I’m not sure. Not at the moment. I wonder if I am in fight or flight mode. Maybe my depression is creeping on me harder than before. Is it depression or something that I am used to? I don’t know. All I know is like I am living a double life, one trying too hard to survive and the other one, already giving up the fight.

Perhaps, I’ve been overthinking. To the extent when simple things feels huge and difficult. I really don’t know. I don’t feel sad but beyond it. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to express. I feel like an empty vessel, soulless. I remember when I always am associated with the word lifeless. It somehow stays and still relevant, to this day.

I have forgotten the feeling of happiness, excitement, and hope. Mostly reality hits differently and being merciless. Too much thinking, too tiring. The thought of living overshadowed by the crushing struggle. Shrouded by loneliness is like a wound that never heal. I’ve written things down in my book, lashing it out in this space.


Ally’s Thoughts: Back to You (2019) #Malaysia

Hello friends and readers,

I just watched a wholesome kind of movie in YouTube and I felt the urgency to share it immediately about the experience here.

Currently in Malaysia, the Covid-19 daily cases rate have been breaking the new high for the past few weeks. According to statistic, our daily cases are higher compared to India per capita. For a country with around 32 million people, it is alarming and scary too. Moreover, the vaccination rate is considered slow as well.

While being in this indefinite lockdown for more than a year now, while the economy sector are not in total halt, it is just too risky to go out. So, I spent most of my indoor time, watching TV and consuming content like I never before. Plus, my anxiety and stress is building up. In short, I am really stressed out over the situation right now.

As usual, the Ally’s Thoughts series are about my thoughts on certain theme or values in the movie that I feel like sharing. Trust me, no spoiler most of it.

Back to You (2019)

While browsing YouTube, I stumbled upon this movie. It is a family theme movie about a daughter being adopted and raised by a different cultural background family. 28 years later, her biological mother tried to connect with the daughter.

I would describe the experience watching the movie, a wholesome one. The bond of family valued so much throughout the movie especially the bond between a mother and her daughter. The movie did a great justice by showing the bond between her biological mother and adopted mother.

The movie brought me to an emotional ride of roller coaster through and through. I can’t help to feel the mixed emotions and getting sweep away by the pace. Similar to life, on how we can be excited today, then feeling down and disappointed on the next day.

The Malaysian Background

Apart from the heart capturing values expressed in the movie, I am impressed and satisfied with the amazing potrayal of cultural background in the movie. Malaysia has been known as a multiracial and multicultural country. It has been like this for centuries long before the colonialism. Thanks to being one of the most rich and flourishing kingdom controlling the Malacca Strait in the 15th century.

History asides, I believe as a Malaysian, it is always important to understand how living together in harmony is the great recipe to build a strong and stable nation. We respect each other, being kind towards each other, and we know our differences are the things made us closer.

I believe I am able to appreciate it because of the experience I had growing up. I am exposed to the differences early compared to some people I know. I had my pre-school in a mix environment. Then I went to mix public primary and secondary school as well. I learned more about the differences from my friends. It still continues after I get into work. I somehow enjoyed being surrounded by this differences and it helps me to think, it is a waste for the younger generations that missed such experience.

Our Individuality

I personally conclude that, some people out there that being judgmental about other races in Malaysia are just people with less exposure and experience. Take our counterpart in East Malaysia, how harmonious Sabah and Sarawak people can be together amid the differences. It doesn’t matter which races they are from, we are all human and our environment and upbringing shapes us individually.

I am deeply moved on how the movie concludes. It doesn’t matter if the child was born Chinese and then raised like a Malay. Ultimately being a human with virtues are much more important. The will to understand each other is a great effort. What ever walls came between should be taken down and to be celebrated together.

Never let stereotypes, bad actors and political agendas divides us. Because I know too well, I am not the only person in Malaysia that believes in the harmony that we have right now. It is just the matter of believe and making things work for a better future.

And I believe that Malaysia can be a great example to the whole world what is multicultural unity is all about.

You can watch the full telemovie here: