Ally’s Thoughts: Saying Goodbye to 2019

person holding a sparkler in macro photography
Photo by Kris Lucas on

Hi everyone,

We are here, in December and leaving 2019. The truth is, it was a really rough year for me. Too rough and I still try to stabilize the aftermath.

I want to share it here because I know that there are more out there having bad times, worst than mine.

After working for almost 2 years in a good place, I started to feel depressed. Early 2019, I got myself diagnosed and referred to a psychiatric clinic. Now, I’m under medication and having a new job.

For those who are struggling with mental illness, I hope you found the courage to break out from the void and get some help. Then, the real battle starts there because wanting to feel good and ‘normal’ is ridiculously hard.

It is hard to find someone you can trust, to share the things you are experiencing right now. Find the right channel and you are not alone.

Now, I am into 10 months under medication and I am still far away being healthy. However, slowly I feel my motivation is coming back. As I was going through all these, I realized so many things about my situation. It opened my eyes and I hope you will find it in your journey too.

Thank you very much for reading and visiting my site. I am sorry for neglecting my WordPress community with less posts and less visiting your sites. I am ashamed but I really feel good whenever I return here.

Wishing you all the best in the year 2020. May all of you receive great blessing and find success in the things you want to achieve. Happy New Year!

I couldn’t resist

abandoned adult black and white cavalry
Photo by Taufiq Klinkenborg on

The truth is I don’t need it,
All these,
Unnecessary thoughts,
Unwanted affections,
Unwelcome dreams,
In every sleep,
Each night,
Left me confused,
As scars,
Through my wake,
Every morning,

I don’t need it,
Yet, I couldn’t resist.

Love, what are you?

Love, what are you?

Are you the reason,

For me to cry,

For me to fall,

For me to surrender,

Are you the reason,

For this miseries,

For this uncertainties,

For this confusions,

Are you the reason too?

For all these pain,

For all these heartbreaks,

For all these negativity,

If you, Love,

The reason for my loneliness,

And all the suffering,

What are you, Love?

To pay

brown mountain splashed with water from sea
Photo by Samuel Wölfl on

I don’t know how to explain, Love,
A sweet four letter words,
With the ability to resonate,
Across barriers and borders,

As where I am now,
Been breathing and standing for years,
Walked in countless different paths,
And still understand nothing,

They said Love comes naturally,
From the parents to their children,
Continued to their partners,
Passed on to the next generation,

Where I couldn’t understand,
Both of them broke up,
Both of them are not in love,
All of them left me unconvinced,

Then the Trickster left me some letters,
How I can be somebody,
A trickster with tricks,
It lasted for a while with bad after tastes,

Next with a pure Angel in disguise,
Owned a throne in my desolate heart,
And left after a storm of pain and tears,
Along with shattered ruins,

I remembered well when Lust came,
Tempted me to a different world,
That I never knew exists,
Until it fades and turned everything grey,

Then Hope left me with commitment,
Being a devout in waiting,
Learn kindness and patience,
Through one sided rejections,

I was blown away by the Wind,
Trapped me in turbulence,
Left with the slow shivering blows,
And left my dwelling exposed,

Now, here I am,
Unsure where but lost for sure,
Again and again in a spiraling maelstrom,
Trapped in the high and low of tides,

Why I still stay,
All the way,
To pay.

And own every sins I made

forest photography
Photo by Francesco Ungaro on

If I were given the chances,
To return back to the times,
Where I have to decide,
A lot of things,
That led me here,

To every poisonous words,
The severed bonds,
The silent tears,
And the boulders like burden,
On both of my shoulders,

To every heartbreaks,
The unbearable pain,
The guilt till eternity,
Still running in my blood,
Rushing through my soul,

To every regrets,
The unspoken words,
The locked feelings,
The untold emotions,
Of sparks that never burns,

To every hour of my time,
The lost dreams,
The efforts for nothing,
Too much wasted,
Staring the invisible walls,

To every romantics,
The soft pleasures,
The intimate moments,
Eventually disconnected,
A caretaker for others,

I will not turn back,
I will not return,
I will not seek,
Nor I will sell my soul,
Just to get one more chance,

I want to accept,
I want to admit,
I want to carry the weight,
And learn to lessen it,
In each conquered days,

Let it be my strength,
Let it be my guidance,
Let it be a reminder,
To all the things I couldn’t change,
So I can be better,

I may not live for myself,
But I am not giving up for others,
To the ones already here,
And the ones to come,
I will be here,

Even it offers me heaven,
To undo everything,
In hell I will be,
And own every sins I made.