What is it, if not living in the past?
Reliving all the songs,
Of youth,
Screaming the emotionally broken,
Reminiscing the moments,
That will never return,
Seeking the distant warmth,
Of years passed,
Probably, it’s not about the past at all,
But the feeling of being alive and living.
It’s exhausting,
Getting through,
My clouded mind,
It’s exhausting,
Listening to,
The arguments in my mind,
And getting through it all,
Alone,
Made it harder and scarier,
I want it all to stop,
Even if it cost me,
My breath.
In most days,
I cried,
I laughed,
I tried,
To keep on going,
And staying alive,
I just want to survive,
For things on my table,
Something for today,
A little bit for tomorrow,
I just want clarity,
For my mind and soul,
Far from the elements,
That eating me inside out,
I just want to heal,
To live and to will.
Dear friends and readers,
Sorry for the long absent. I don’t even know what am I experiencing right now. Am I having relapses, non-stop anxieties, living in survival mode, or trying too hard to escape reality.
To share how and what I feel, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling for or from what, I’m not sure. Not at the moment. I wonder if I am in fight or flight mode. Maybe my depression is creeping on me harder than before. Is it depression or something that I am used to? I don’t know. All I know is like I am living a double life, one trying too hard to survive and the other one, already giving up the fight.
Perhaps, I’ve been overthinking. To the extent when simple things feels huge and difficult. I really don’t know. I don’t feel sad but beyond it. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know what to express. I feel like an empty vessel, soulless. I remember when I always am associated with the word lifeless. It somehow stays and still relevant, to this day.
I have forgotten the feeling of happiness, excitement, and hope. Mostly reality hits differently and being merciless. Too much thinking, too tiring. The thought of living overshadowed by the crushing struggle. Shrouded by loneliness is like a wound that never heal. I’ve written things down in my book, lashing it out in this space.
If you do wonder about the reason,
Of me not writing, love related poem,
Or even about the painful break up,
Is simply because those are distant things,
I’ve forgotten about love or being love,
I’ve forgotten about how my heart breaks,
I only remember how to survive,
About trying to live another day.
Why do I have to struggle,
Just to feel alive,
When all the things that trouble,
Slowly driving me insane,
There is no yesterday or tomorrow,
Survive today and live in horror.
I wish I could say,
The things that I need to,
So I can stay away,
From the harms that dragging me down,
Explain to me,
Why some nights are killing me,
From all the struggles,
And all this pain,
I do want to laugh,
To feel the lightness,
Laughing my life away,
Without the stare from the darkness,
Let me feel the breeze,
And the warmth of love,
I still want to believe,
And I want to heal.
I’m here to write,
I’m here to express,
All the unspoken words,
To spill all the inside,
The inside that have eaten me,
The inside that corrodes me,
The inside that have been living,
Turning around my reality,
I’m here to stay,
Without throwing my humanity away.
I might think too much,
I’m lacking so much,
And to tell the truth,
Really had enough,
Too much to go through,
Breaking myself too.
Ditarik nafas, dihembus lepas,
Mengharungi setiap saat, semakin lemas,
Bukan tenggelam dalam air,
Tapi kering haus udara,
Menyelam dalam perasaan hati,
Makin keruh lopak tak kenal diri,
Apalah rasa bila ada di tempat tinggi,
Kemudian jatuh berdarah kaki,
Mungkin, aku hanya ketawa,
Untuk lupakan rasa sakit sahaja,
Tapi yang lebih pedih dari itu,
Luka yang ada di dalam dada.
Dan bertambah lagi pedih,
Luka berbarah menghasut minda.
Write Ally! Write! 