This Is All About Desire And Selfishness – Confession Wednesday

Book of Desire
People do not understand my behavior. They think I am a fool and can’t get over my break up. Honestly, I have no answer for that. It’s just my body and mind can’t think of anything else.

I feel bad. Sometimes I feel so bad and feel guilty for a lot of things. I feel guilty and I feel so messed up. I always believe that I am a man of my word. I tend to do everything I can to fulfill my promises. I made quite a lot of promises with her. I always try hard to fulfill my promises. When we don’t have anything anymore. Those promises should be left behind.

Not for me. All those promises will stay. All those promises are my words. That is my obligation to fulfill my promises. I don’t make promises that I don’t tend to keep. I will keep it and make it a reality. I am totally serious regarding promises.

People may call me a fool. If I can’t keep my promises and fulfill them, what makes me worth to other people. I can’t live that way. It’s just how I’ve been living. It’s my way of life. A philosophy. I can’t be a good man if I never keep my promises. I can’t be a good man if I can’t work my words. I can never be a good person first if I keep breaking them all.

Bluntly, I don’t mind dying right now. I don’t really care the aftermath of dying anymore. If death comes, let it come. I just feel like escaping all of this. The thing that binds me if I’m dead. What will be of my parents? At least, I want to die yet they have something to live on.

I totally give up deep inside. I don’t even feel like working anymore. I just come to the office. Not having the motivation and all. I feel restless and my thoughts float elsewherIt’sIts not like I’m begging for you to come back. It’s just I have no clue on how to work my life.

I’m quite ashamed of myself actually. Ashamed towards the people around me. Especially my parents. I didn’t tell my parents that we broke up. I feel ashamed that I lost something that I fought for. If they asked about you. I would simply told you are busy. Then, I changed the topic. Or keep silent. One of the feeling is ashamed right now. It’s like I can’t keep up my relationship better. I feel like a losing man. Loser.

I felt sadness before. This time its more than that. I don’t know how to live up with this disappointment. The more I don’t want to think of it. The more it haunts me. My chest feels empty and suffocating. Tears falling. The feeling of loneliness shrouded me everywhere I go.

Despite that I went out and eat good food. Had chat with people. Meeting more people. Work here and there. Still your images are inside my head. I believe this is what people said ‘true happiness’. I lost my true happiness and there are no other happiness can keep me happy like it used to.

If you want me to find a new friend. I told you before, I’m a very cautious person when I want someone to enter my life. I have a very terrible trust issue with someone I just knew. Didn’t I told you before that you are also the best friend I ever had. From a junior to my girlfriend and my sister. You are the most special person in my life.

I know I wrote quite a bit long. But honestly I just letting my mind roam. I’m searching and answer. A way out. I don’t take this as a curse. More like a duty. My duty was to ensure that I keep all my promises to you.

However, if there is another guy in your life. I have to back down. That is the end road for me. I can’t move forward and can’t see a better route. I don’t know why I cried a lot lately. My heart tremble and soft. Everytime I have thoughts of you, my tears dropped. I don’t know about you but this happened to me often lately.

I want to know why you didn’t wish me on my birthday. Do  you hate me? Have you forgotten? Do you want to avoid me. You told me that to ‘treat you as I treat my KUIS friends’. I can’t. You will always be the special one. I bought you a gift so that you know I don’t want to cut off this relationship. Yet, it was you who severe the line. I don’t blame you. You did mentioned to me that you would not text men anymore. Well, I’m a man. I wonder if I’m a girl, would you text me?

I’m curious on a lot of things. Regarding you. Why is that you video call someone early in the morning. I want to know. We were dating at that time and you didn’t told me about it. I was sleeping and yet you are busy with other guy. Yes, I am jealous but that’s all in the past. I’m a crazy guy to bring that up now. All this happened out of my curiosity. There are other things that I want to know too.

It feels like I can’t stop writing. I just want to write all my emotions and thoughts, I think all I want to do know is escaping all of these. I just feel like running away. I’m clueless on my next move. I want to aim something but the motivations are lost. It’s just not there anymore. I just feel like crave my heart out and die.

Yes I am depressed. I am also stressed. I don’t feel like working nor staying home. Too tired. Clueless. Lost. Empty. Sad. Messed. I do wonder sometimes, why you had all those unlucky things such as cuts and so on. But not me! I need it! Right now I totally need it! I want to have a flu then I lost my memories! It’s cool and also better! I feel like totally running. I want to walk to some places and die on the road. Give it all to me! You don’t need that all. I am the one who needs it.

I am the loser in this story. I am the one who failed to move on. It hurts so much that no one can understand.

After all that, there is this one feeling inside me feels like pulling you harder to me. I don’t know why. It feels like calling you. Again and again. Hoping and believing one day you will come and answer my call. The more I let out, the stronger the feeling right now.

I missed you so much dear. so much.

July 2014

5 thoughts on “This Is All About Desire And Selfishness – Confession Wednesday

  1. If I am not wrong, this post is dated 2014. Hope you do not have such feelings of depression now. Time is a great healer. Give yourself time to recover from your loss. Time doesn’t wait for anyone neither should your life. Try to move on. Try to bring back your old self before you met her. Think about people who love you not about those who don’t deserve your love. Take it one step at a time and I’m sure you’ll sail through. Quitting and dying are not an option. Living through the storm is what brings out your true self. Have faith and hold on.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kindness. Yes, I wrote this in 2014. I found it on my old blog and I would like to share it here and delete my old blog. Again, thank you. Your words should reach the heart of someone who is facing the same issue as me. 😀


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